I don’t know why I am writing this, but I just need to share it with someone.
I left my 9-week-old with my mom to go pick up my best friend from the airport. He was fed, but tired when I left, and I told my mom to make sure he sleeps. In the past, she didn’t take it too seriously, and after a short mental health walk, I would come home to an overtired and crying baby. During the day, he does contact naps and sometimes needs to be carried around to sleep better. Today she wanted to take him off my hands and carry him because baby and I had a difficult night and didn’t sleep much. But then she would not really make an effort to help him stay asleep, and he would wake again.
When I left for the airport, I told her to let me know if there were any problems. I was gone for less than 2 hours (should have been shorter, but the queue was long at passport control). I didn’t take my baby because it was very late, and he was supposed to sleep. When I came home, I heard my poor baby screaming and crying so much it broke my heart immediately My mom seems frustrated that he couldn’t sleep. I managed to calm him down quickly by playing some white noise and breastfeeding him (he breastfed briefly and fell asleep shortly after).
But now I can’t stop crying, because I feel that I failed him so much. On one hand, I blame myself, telling myself that I shouldn’t have left without him or that he is not eating enough and was extremely hungry—just a million other things. On the other hand, I’m really angry at my mother for not texting me and for not playing white noise for him because she said he has to learn to fall asleep without it.
I (F 28) am a single parent and trying to do this the best I can. I am so sad because I don’t feel like I have any support, and after today, I don’t trust any support. I just want to give everything I have to my LO.
I never want to see him so sad ever again because of my fault.
If I am a terrible mother, please let me know so I can do everything to be better.
a) you are not a horrible mother, you are a great one.
b) nothing bad actually happened; it was unpleasant but not critical.
Parenting styles differ—especially between generations. You may want to prepare yourself; there may be confrontations between you and your mother, but remember, it’s your baby, and you’re in charge. I assume your mother is supportive and wants the best, which is great, but it’s your call on how things go. If you dislike how she operates and it causes you stress, you might want to avoid leaving the baby with her for long periods for a while.
@Carmine
Agreed! The arguments I have with my mom are much more than I expected. You think, okay, I’m their child, they will follow what I want for my child because they wanted this with their own children, and yet!
Sidney said: @Carmine
Thank you so much. I was so afraid that I broke something in him; his trust and sense of security in me.
This may sound horrible, but even kids of actually terrible parents have a sense of trust and love for their parents. It takes a lot to destroy that. If you didn’t care so much, you wouldn’t feel so bad—real bad parents don’t care.
Would your mom listen to research around the benefits of white noise?
Sidney said: @Carmine
Thank you so much. I was so afraid that I broke something in him; his trust and sense of security in me.
This one experience is not enough to break his sense of security and trust in you. Just continue to be responsive to his needs. Your mother doesn’t seem to be helpful, which is really difficult when you’re doing everything solo, but hopefully she can assist in other ways in the future.
As others have said, nothing bad happened. If you are exclusively breastfeeding and not pumping, be prepared for your baby to cry while you’re away for 2 hours at this early stage. Having the mindset that it’s possible your baby will cry when you return and you’ll need to soothe him might help ease any anxiety.
You haven’t failed him. He cried for a short time. Nothing is broken, nothing is lost; it doesn’t undo the hundreds of times you’ve soothed him—it’s just a drop of distress in a bucket full of security. You soothed him this time too; it just took a little longer than he would have liked!
It will be fine, and what a great friend to take someone to the airport when you have a baby. I’d rather ask someone without a baby for that favor . Just set a boundary with your mom saying she must call you with updates.
It’s not your fault at all. Don’t blame yourself (easier said than done, I know), but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Try to talk to your mom and explain. At the end of the day, it’s your baby—your rules. If she can’t respect that, it could lead to trust issues.
I face the same with my son; I only trust his dad to care for him. Everyone has opinions because they’ve had kids, but every child is different.
We all need a break, so maybe in the future, only let her watch the baby for short periods so you can have some ‘me time.’
Sidney said: @Darian
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I’ve never felt this heartbroken.
Honestly, I understand
My parents did something similar with my boy. He’s 10 weeks old; when he was 6 weeks, I was exhausted after visiting them. They offered to watch him, and I told them he needed a nap and gave them a bottle if needed. But he only sleeps when held. I awoke 2 hours later to screaming, my heart raced. I discovered my baby just laid in the bassinet while my mom dawdled. I asked her why he was left, and she said he needed to learn to settle himself. I lost it and told her he’s too young for that!
You’re not a bad parent! You did what you thought was best. Take a deep breath and ask yourself:
Is the baby hurt?
Is he safe?
What did you do when you saw his distress?
How did he respond after?
My mom seems frustrated that he couldn’t sleep. I managed to calm him down quickly by playing some white noise and breastfeeding him (he breastfed briefly and fell asleep shortly after).
. Just set a boundary with your mom saying she must call you with updates.