@West
In this case I’m the dad who works while the mum stays at home. It is really hard - I get home from work and take our son until he has to go to sleep but in those few hours sometimes he stresses me out so much. I cannot imagine being my wife and having to deal with it all day. There’s nothing wrong with wanting relief and in fact you moms need it. When we started as parents it was really hard for me to switch off from work and help out at home - but the reality is moms need a break and I would get home and feel selfish that my wife was still doing everything. Hopefully your partner can switch off from work mode and help you out more.
@West
You guys BOTH work. You do work. Outsourcing childcare would cost around 2K. When he’s done with his job, childcare should be 50/50. He kind of sounds like a piece of shit; you guys deserve better.
@West
I know it feels bad when baby cries and you don’t/can’t respond, but I bet you respond the vast majority of the time and baby knows she can trust you to take care of her. Occasionally not getting to her right away isn’t the same as neglecting her needs, and she is wired to know that. If baby fell asleep after 10-15 minutes then whatever she needed wasn’t that urgent; maybe she wanted some snuggles, and she’ll get them from you when she wakes!
I hope your migraine subsides soon.
@West
I’ve found that if they are inconsolable, won’t eat, don’t want to be held, etc., usually means they’re very tired and just need to sleep.
Putting them down in their crib/bassinet and giving them a chance to sleep might be the best thing for them even if they need to cry for a few minutes first.
@West
If you have the money, maybe find someone to take over for you for however long every week. If he’s not going to share the load, then he should pay. Consider yourself a single mom in a way.
Raine said:
@West
If you have the money, maybe find someone to take over for you for however long every week. If he’s not going to share the load, then he should pay. Consider yourself a single mom in a way.
The state will pay for some daycare. She’s Native too, and our tribe does help cover some child care. Daycare is expensive, but once we’re okay financially we can handle it.
@West
Your partner sounds like a bit of a joke. He needs to up his game big time. I work full time, come home and spend hours building in the back yard, then help where I can with cuddles, bath time, etc. I get up nearly every time that my darling daughter wakes during the night to help change nappies / hang out with my wife while she breast feeds.
Here’s the funny thing, I produce music also and am somewhat successful in my own way (played several international gigs, headlined many large Australian festivals, etc.) This isn’t a reason to ignore his basic duties as a father; he needs to do better.
You’re doing a great job, btw.
@Ozzie
I do think he’s trying his best and is honestly just stressed. Our daughter is 5 months. When I first had her, he would even get upset sometimes because I wouldn’t rest. He’d tell me to stop whatever I was doing and to go lay down and take care of her for however long I needed even if that meant hours while he was working.
We were at my mom’s during this time; he moved out because the household was toxic, and so for a good 1-2 months we wouldn’t see each other much. I was the one taking care of her while he still gave me money or whatever I needed, or he’d still randomly order me DoorDash. He just couldn’t be there due to the toxic environment.
We just got an apartment together. I don’t think he’s used to working and taking care of her because he didn’t have to for a bit. He only had to work, so I think it’s just taking him some time to adjust and get used to needing to take care of her. Once we’re back on track financially, I’m going to see if we can get her enrolled in daycare. The state will pay for some of it, and we can afford it. This would allow me to get a break and let him work but also help us split caring for her a bit more.
@Pax
“Stop what you’re doing and go take care of her” 
Walked out on you and your baby because of a “toxic environment”
Sorry but I feel as if this dude just isn’t doing his job as a father.
Ozzie said:
@Pax
“Stop what you’re doing and go take care of her”
Walked out on you and your baby because of a “toxic environment”
Sorry but I feel as if this dude just isn’t doing his job as a father.
He was saving up for an apartment for us during this time. He left my mom’s house because she and her fiancé were calling him racial slurs and threatened to get a restraining order and get him arrested once they realized they messed up by calling him that on the doorbell camera. They both work in healthcare.
He pretty much wasn’t allowed at the house. He wouldn’t tell me to stop what I was doing to go take care of her; he would tell me to stop what I was doing to go lay down and rest.
@West
ONLY 10-15 mins! Sounds like a happy baby to me 
Dallas said:
@West
ONLY 10-15 mins! Sounds like a happy baby to me
My exact thoughts after it took me 5 hours to get my son to sleep last night.
Dallas said:
@West
ONLY 10-15 mins! Sounds like a happy baby to me
My exact thoughts after it took me 5 hours to get my son to sleep last night.
Bless you!!
@West
You weren’t feeling well and needed to take a few minutes to yourself. Honestly, you’ve done the best you can with the situation you’re in. Please have your SO help with your baby. You should not be responsible for everything.
@West
Working parents are still parents and need to partake in parenting duties. I think your husband needs to draw some time boundaries around work. It’s all too easy for WFH parents to let their schedules slip and that’s not fair to you or the kid.
I’m also a SAHM with a WFH husband but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to parent for the entirety of the work week. I do the vast majority of child care obviously but after business hours if I need to shower or I’d like a moment to myself to workout/read/clean or whatever else, dad is on duty until she’s hungry next. If your husband is home and the baby is crying and you’ve had her all day, there’s no reason why he can’t pause what he’s doing to come give you a second hand unless he’s actively still in meetings etc.
@West
You did okay! I’m a FTM and the first time I did this with my 6-month-old son I felt sooo bad too.
But this is okay! You put baby in a safe space and all baby’s needs were met, and baby fell asleep.
@West
Sometimes when I’m overwhelmed my daughter can feel it and won’t calm down. I have to give her space so she can regulate herself while I do the same. Space is okay to help calm a baby down; I don’t agree with the cry it out method but I do agree with 10 or 15 minutes to calm down.
@West
So one day my daughter had been up for almost 10 hours straight. We were in the thick of teething, and she was honestly becoming a nightmare. I was at my breaking point. I finally put her in her crib and just let her figure it out. She cried for about 15 minutes and then fell asleep. She ended up sleeping for close to 13 hours that day/night. Sometimes they just need to work it out. It does not make you a bad mom!
@West
While babies need us to regulate their nervous systems and make them feel safe, you can’t drink from an empty cup. You have to be okay in order to nurture. The best thing about parenthood is that you can always repair; it’s never too late and just the occasional crying is okay. If you can call a friend to come help or pay a little here and there during busy times it really helps. We aren’t meant to do this without a village, and solo parenting is extremely hard. I hope you can give yourself some grace. Also, great to know your baby only cried for 10 minutes! That’s totally okay!
@West
Omg you are totally fine. After 10-15 minutes is great! You go, mom, and you go, baby! Get the rest you need so you can be the best mom you can be; that’s most important. A rested, safe mom is a rested and safe baby.