I would never hurt my baby. I know that 100%. I was told that if you feel too frustrated, or too angry it’s better to set your baby down and walk away. Not for hours of course, just for 5-20 minutes.
My baby’s father is the one who works. I don’t work; we have enough to support ourselves, but because of that, child care is up to me. He’s too busy working (but he works from home). He hasn’t changed or fed her in multiple days. I’m exhausted. I have such a bad migraine right now. I feel absolutely awful, but with a raging migraine, I just put her in her playpen and stepped away. After 10-15 minutes, she finally fell asleep, but I feel awful for it. I don’t want her to feel like I won’t help her. But I also need to take care of myself and my needs so I can take care of hers.
Baylor said:
You did fine! If she happily fell asleep after 10-15 mins, she didn’t need anything except some space to calm down.
For real! I have to go through the checklist in my head: is she hungry? Is her diaper wet/dirty? Is she hurt? Sick?
Okay, if none of these things—give her 10-15 minutes. If she’s still upset, I scoop her up and rock her.
Now that she’s a year old, I can do chores in the other room or cook and pop in to check on her every couple of minutes or so. I know the difference between a “mom, I’m getting bored!” and a “something’s wrong!” cry these days.
Your partner works from home but hasn’t fed or changed her in multiple days? What’s he doing when he is off work? Watching you run around and care for the baby? Or is he taking care of cooking/cleaning/laundry and other household chores? You shouldn’t be working 24hrs while he works his 9-5. His off hours should be a split load with you of housework and baby care, then maybe you would be less exhausted and hopefully less prone to migraines. You did nothing wrong though!
@West
That’s the thing, he doesn’t stop working. He’ll be calling people even at 10 PM. He works in the music industry. He basically makes music for people, edits it, makes tracks, etc. He makes really good money from it, but he’s constantly working. I’m the one doing household chores. He’ll take out the trash and sometimes do the dishes if I ask.
She woke up after 20 minutes. I’m so stressed. I asked for help even now, but he’s too “busy.” He doesn’t FaceTime people while calling. I told him he can put her in a baby carrier and walk around while talking because he does that anyway, but he says he has to focus and that it’s unprofessional.
Reese said: @Pax
If he makes really good money, then you guys can hire a cleaner/nanny/ at least some part-time help. You can’t do it alone.
We’re set back financially due to getting a new apartment and limited with no car. Once we get those things paid off and get a car we should be able to enroll her in daycare for a few hours a day. It’s expensive, but the state will cover some of it.
@Pax
This doesn’t sound like really good money. He should take some time to help; it sounds like he is inflating how busy he is. There’s no reason he needs to be working so many hours yet can’t afford to get you any outside help.
@Pax
If he’s making such good money and working 24/7 he can afford to get you some help around the house or a part-time nanny who comes a few days a week and lets you nap.
@Pax
I think your husband should be helping more, but I don’t disagree with him about not wanting to be in charge of the baby while he’s on a work call. What if the baby starts screaming and the person on the other end can hear it? I would definitely worry about how that would be perceived.
@Dru
If she’s in a baby carrier she won’t scream, like at all. She just wants to be held. As long as he’s walking around with her, she’s silent. He doesn’t usually sit down for full phone calls anyway. He usually kind of paces back and forth the majority of the time.
Even when he’s sitting, she’s quiet. She absolutely adores him. It’s only me she really screams with when I’m sitting down. I don’t know why. I do agree though, I can 100% see why it could be unprofessional, but he’s on the phone every hour almost so we do need to figure something out.
@Pax
Even when you work nonstop, there’s time to change a diaper; it doesn’t take more than 5 minutes and it’s a great bonding opportunity. I understand chores are more of a burden and they can really wait, even if it’s uncomfortable. Since he makes good money, have you thought about hiring help once or twice a week?
@West
I wish my wife would see this. She’s a SAHM. I work from home. Every break from work and my lunch break is her time to disappear. She naps when he naps. She does not cook or clean while he is napping. When I get out of work, dinner is usually my responsibility, as well as taking care of the baby because she’s now “off the clock.”
@Tallis
Yes, I know. There is no balance. She does what she wants, if she feels like it, and knows I’ll take care of whatever else when I can. He’s truly such an easy baby. There’s a lot of work involved in raising him, but we are incredibly blessed with a great sleeper who is well-behaved 99% of the time. I just wish his mother would put in a little more effort. It’s my own fault for letting it get to this point. He naps for 2-3 hours and she uses that time to play video games or take a nap (after only being awake for 2-3 hours most days). She sees nothing wrong with me doing most of the work. I need to find a way to convince her to get into therapy. I can’t reason with her. In her eyes, she does too much.
@Zev
Can someone please explain why I’m being downvoted for this one? This is literally my life day in and day out. I cook, I clean, I work 40+ hours and am the primary caretaker when I’m not on the clock. My breaks from work are used to relieve her from her job as a SAHM and there is no break for me until the baby goes down.
@Zev
I think some of this is ok and some of it is not, I don’t see any issue with your wife napping while the baby is napping instead of cooking and cleaning, as her job is to be a SAHM and not a maid. But she shouldn’t be using your breaks and lunch to disappear. And I understand needing an hour or so break from the baby after you clock out, because when I was a SAHM I also needed that break when my husband got home. BUT I used that time to cook dinner while he watched our daughter, and then after dinner one person would do bath and bedtime while the other person cleaned up around the house. Your wife shouldn’t be totally checking out at the end of your work day and dumping everything on your plate. One of the hard things, though, about being a SAHP is your work and your house are the same, so it’s hard to ever feel like you’re getting a break from it. Like how if you’re in the work office eating lunch, you still feel like you’re working even if you’re clocked out because you’re there. It’s hard to separate.
But I wonder if maybe you guys aren’t communicating your needs and feelings well? Does your wife need better breaks on the weekends? Is your child going to be at a decent time? 630 is a great bedtime and leaves more time for relaxation at night. Are they getting out of the house during the day for walks or any outside time? Are you communicating to your wife that you also need breaks and that having to take care of the baby during your lunch and as soon as you get off means you’re never getting that free time either? Have you discussed a schedule so that you are both doing equal housework?
@Whit
I don’t have a problem with her napping or playing games while the baby is napping as a rule, but she says she can’t leave him unattended to do other things when he’s awake.
This only applies to chores though. She can leave him to go decompress and lie down if he didn’t nap long enough for her liking. He’s perfectly fine in his playpen (closed-off living room), he just gets vocal if you’re gone too long. When I go on my lunch break, I make his lunch and feed him. I eat if time permits. Usually, I’m taking something to eat between calls when I go back to work. She could prepare it while he’s napping and I’m still working, but she won’t.
He goes to bed late, around 9, but I work late and it works best for our lifestyle right now. I would only see him pre-work for an hour and on my break if he went any earlier. He’s been sleeping soundly through the night since 3 months old. Usually, 11-12 hours per night.
She doesn’t like the idea of a schedule for us; I’ve actually tried suggesting it. The only schedules we keep are the baby’s eating and sleep schedule. She doesn’t like the accountability that comes with a schedule for us because most days I just do it all and keeping track will only highlight how little she actually does. I’m not looking for a maid, but if I’m having to make dinner after I clock out from work because you “can’t walk away” when I shouldn’t have to empty the sink of cups and plates from the day before I can dump pasta water or whatever.
Again, I know it is my fault for allowing it to go on this long and get this bad. I should have put my foot down long ago. Several issues regarding housework existed before the baby and are only exacerbated now. We desperately need therapy; she just refuses. I’m at a loss.