When Did You Start Experiencing Postpartum Depression and/or Rage?

Mental Health Forum
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I’m almost 6 months PP, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t know if it’s just the exhaustion or if I’m finally experiencing some form of PPD/PPR.

I have been surprisingly patient and steady throughout postpartum and the newborn and infant phases so far, but I’m starting to crack. We have been co-sleeping since two weeks out of desperation, and it works for us in many ways. BUT my son still wakes up 2-3 times a night demanding food for sleep (we are going to cave and sleep train very soon, which I am wholly emotionally ill-equipped for).

I am also still pumping so I lose so much sleep at night. I change him, bottle feed him, put him back to sleep, then pump for up to 30-45 mins because it’s the only way I can get enough milk. He has started waking up SCREAMING while I am pumping and it’s so hard. I was so angry last night every time he woke up that by the last time I yelled at him to shut up. I feel so ashamed and so much guilt, and at the same time it was out of sheer desperation. My husband and I trade off, and I had him take tonight (I do 5 out of 7 nights but typically get my husband on the 2nd wake-up if it’s past 1am). I think now he was waking up with gas pain, but I was just too tired to frame his cry as a need…

I’ve had the occasion really bad day in the last 6 months, but I’m having such a hard time shaking this. I’ve been so quick to anger too. I threw something across the room today (not in the room with anyone else), which isn’t like me. I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled already to check hormones, vitamin D, etc.

I guess I am wondering, when did you start experiencing PPD/PPR? Did it at all coincide with a change to your supply/breastfeeding/getting your period back? Was there a moment you knew it wasn’t just a bad day? Did you end up taking meds or get out of it once the baby hit some milestone like sleeping through the night?

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Sorry you’re having such a hard time! I have not experienced PPD so I can’t answer your central question, but I wanted to say that if pumping (especially long sessions in the middle of the night) is contributing to your mental health struggles, then it is absolutely okay to switch to formula. You also do not have to sleep train if it makes you feel uncomfortable. 2-3 wakeups could be quite doable with formula feeding and taking shifts with your partner, and you could slowly start to wean night feeds as time goes by without any major sleep training efforts. Just my two cents and I hope it’s helpful in some way! Hang in there!

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@Dallas
+1 combo feeding was a game changer for me.

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Leander said:
@Dallas
+1 combo feeding was a game changer for me.

Same here!

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@Dallas
Thank you for your comment! I should have mentioned we do combo feed — he has formula at night so when dad has him I can sleep and because I don’t produce enough. Initially, it was a lot more because I had a low supply, but now he’s BM for all but night feeds. I appreciate the perspective that more/all formula is an option. I think part of this is that I’ve worked SO hard to be able to produce milk and nurse (he couldn’t nurse without severe pain until about 4 months) that even though I kind of want to quit pumping now, I don’t feel like I should. To express milk I have to pump and hand express and it takes FOREVER. Pumping doesn’t work on its own for me. I’ve tried everything.

I’ve been on the fence with sleep training, but he’s just so particular it’s not sustainable. I am the only person he will let put him down at night, and my husband is the only one he wants to put him down for naps. He goes down drowsy but awake, but needs to see us in the room and to have me physically there to sleep. We tried to go out once and my mom and sister joke that they have PTSD from trying to put him down. I am accepting that it’s just not sustainable and we need to help him learn to sleep independently.

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@Milan
As guilty as I felt at the thought of stopping pumping (latch issues and under supplier) my mental health improved significantly after. When I was pumping I felt like all of my free time was consumed by things I hated and I was missing out on happy time with my baby. My baby has thrived on formula and I have no regrets.
We also were on the fence about sleep training and tried a bunch of techniques before we ended up doing extinction (cry it out). Checking in on her prolonged the process. As horrible as I felt it really only took a few days. Everyone’s sleep got better and my postpartum rage took a significant decline. I will admit it still happens (almost 11mo PP) however I’ve been relatively quick to anger my whole life. Usually at this point it is sleep deprivation induced and goes away rather quickly.

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I was aware before I gave birth that I would likely experience PPD/PPA. I prepared myself for its likelihood to the best of my ability, knowing that my chances were very high, and read as many articles/researched as many resources in my city as I could.

However, despite this, it still hit me like a ton of bricks on day 3 postpartum. Nothing could’ve prepared me for the way it crept into my bones, warping my vision, and absolutely wrecking me.

PPA was there from the get-go - because, as well as researching into PPA/PPD, I had also researched SIDS a lot and researched it even more while in the ward with my LO. It consumed my entire being to the point I could not sleep when she slept, even at 3am, because I had to watch her to make sure she was breathing. Eventually, the night midwife took my daughter from the room to let me get some sleep with the promise she would check on her.

PPD came not long after we got home, as an infantile hemangioma grew under her lip and at such a rate that it split her lip open and ulcerated her philtrum. It grew larger when I found out my LO wasn’t transferring milk, and I had to switch to exclusively pumping.

I was crying every day. I wasn’t sleeping. I was regretting my decision to have a child. I would cry next to my sleeping husband as our LO cried in her room.

Eventually, around 1 month postpartum, when she was 4 weeks old, I was crying while holding her on the couch - and then I looked down and my beautiful, sweet girl was smiling up at me. Not a sleep smile nor a gas smile, but an actual smile. I booked in that day to my GP, got diagnosed, and am now on antidepressants.

It has helped me so much, and has given me a better look on my new life. Each day is easier than the last (with, of course, a few bumps still in the road), and I am thankful to myself for making that choice to get onto medication.

Not saying that medication is necessary, and not saying that it’ll be the answer for you. But, for me, it was pivotal to ensure I became the mum my LO needs, and not just some woman who is mangled by all these negative thoughts and outlooks.

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@Monroe
I can relate to so much of this, having also lived through the fun combination of PPA and too much information at my fingertips about SIDS and all the things that could go wrong. Also, like you, I insisted on having around-the-clock shifts staying up and watching our LO, which is not sustainable and of course led to extreme sleep deprivation. Nothing really prepares you for how bad it can get. I was not myself in the early days.

My LO is now 6 weeks and most of my PPA went away on its own. Now I have just the baseline amount of new parent anxiety :slight_smile:

In seriousness, what helped me is actually reading less. I was pre-stressing about situations we hadn’t even encountered yet. Now, it’s one thing at a time, which is a lot more manageable.

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@Peyton
I couldn’t agree more that reading/scrolling less is a natural remedy! All my social media apps had pinpointed I was a new mum, so all my feeds were filled with stories about SIDS, childhood illnesses, childhood deaths, etc. I would doom scroll and work myself up about all these diagnoses that impact very little of the population (and less so with most statistics being out of USA, whereas I’m Australian).

I learnt to immediately scroll past/ignore all of these posts, and this also helped me greatly. I decided that if my daughter does end up with a terminal/lifelong illness, I would rather spend the years until then living in ignorant bliss rather than stressing over every movement of hers, worrying that something that is utterly harmless and just part of the developmental process is a ‘symptom.’

The Internet is a blessing in the way that we can have these conversations on forums, but it is also such a curse. Having a plethora of information at your fingertips only works well in theory; the actuality of it causes more anxiety than is needed.

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@Monroe
Beautifully said! I don’t know about you, but in addition to the fear-inducing posts and stories, I’d also get a ton of targeted ads that were pushing “must-have” products. On day 2 of having a child, I was already experiencing mom guilt because I hadn’t even thought about, much less purchased, all these newborn enrichment toys and activities like color contrast flashcards. Cue the eye roll at Lovevery! New parents have plenty to worry about without being convinced their kid is already falling behind immediately. Especially in those early days, my baby slept and ate and that was enough.

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@Monroe
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am a huge doom scroller and researcher, and this is such a good reminder to put that in check. I am also predisposed to PPD/PPA and was sure I would have it way worse than I have. I did experience/am still experiencing PPA, especially in relation to SIDS. Those first weeks I would sit awake holding him until my husband intervened. He and I had talked about how to preempt it all, and we did a decent job getting me sleep and support.

Your comment made me realize that focus on that has tapered off significantly — I am getting less sleep now than I was at 3-8 weeks and have less support, although I am in once-a-month therapy. We are a good team, but I’m back at work (WFH) while my husband cares for our son full-time/finishes school. It’s a lot, and neither of us are getting enough breaks. I’m going to talk to him about needing more support for sleep and working from somewhere else on occasion. We had a lot more help when he would sleep for anyone, but family has stopped offering because he’s so hard to put to sleep since his 4 mo sleep regression. He only wants me.

That thought “I regret having a kid” has been a really hard one for me. I never wanted kids, but I have surprisingly loved being a mom until now. I don’t want to feel that way. Definitely going to bring it up to my doctor. Thanks again for the perspective.

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I’m about 5 months pp and could’ve written this word for word. Hugs. This sucks.

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PPD really hit in the early weeks when I was home alone with the baby and felt like this was life all was going to be from now on. I wanted to do alternative medicine and looked into hyperbaric oxygen therapy after a friend recommended it. Honestly, I loved it and have felt so much better since doing it.

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Exhaustion prompts us to do all sorts of things we wouldn’t normally do. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and military training! Give yourself some grace. You are aware of your anger. You’re owning it and seeking answers. You are a great mom, even if you have rough moments.

I remember my rage being at its peak around 2-3 months old. The 8 or 12-week sleep regression. I had to put my son down after several failed attempts to get him to sleep so I could go scream into the towels in the bathroom. Then we both just sobbed together.

Or another time, I had to smash an ottoman pouf that my husband accidentally popped installing a baby monitor. I couldn’t get it inside a trash bag, so I just screamed while shaking out all those awful styrofoam balls that stick to everything like glitter. Took forever to vacuum them all up. I don’t remember what had made me so angry, but getting those feelings out was really cathartic. Get those feelings out in a safe space.

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@Leander
Thank you for this reminder. And for sharing your experience. The scream and sob was me last night… my baby was so confused by me crying. He kept pausing to look at me between screams and it made me feel ridiculous. lol

Those styrofoam balls would set off anyone! They stick to everything… I can’t imagine if that happened right now.

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I got PPD at around 3 weeks and went onto sertraline, which really helped me. I’ve recently started to lower the dose and some PPD/PPR has come back, but I can now cope with mindfulness exercises. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do that before.

At 6 months we started to introduce solids as well as combo feeds, which really helped! We had to train her to like the bottle, which was tough but we got there in the end. I’d really recommend doing what you can to put your health first, maybe that means taking the pressure off feeding?

We also did a very gentle sleep training, essentially waiting 2 minutes if she got upset, to help her settle herself. It only took a day or two for her to get used to it and at 8 months she sleeps through the night (most nights). If she doesn’t, it’s usually because she didn’t eat as much during the day, or illness/teething.

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5 months postpartum. I was feeling it a little at 3 and 4 months, and then my husband deployed so I feel nothing but depression and rage. There is no break, no help, just me and my son against the world. I feel like I’m on autopilot I’m exhausted and cry multiple times a day because I’m working full-time, my son is an angry tired boy after daycare, and my deployed husband makes everything harder when he’s trying to make my life easier. I can’t do yard work with a baby? Apartment. But I have to move by myself. The dog has to be on a leash at all times at said apartment? Now the dog has to move 10 hours away to my SIL’s for 5 months. SIL is out of town the only weekend that works? Now husband’s mom is alone for the whole weekend after helping me drive because the whole point of my trip is that Sunday for best friend’s kid’s birthday.

Let me know when yours gets better because mine has a death grip; because crap just keeps happening to me and I’m barely hanging on.

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I have really bad PPD/PPA. It started pretty much immediately, although my son was born at 28 weeks and was in NICU over an hour from home and I had a health scare (after the baby was born) plus the emergency c-section (hospitalized for almost a week before and just had a very traumatic experience) that left me with PTSD. That being said, I was able to get help before the baby came home. I was extremely “lucky.” But I started seeing a psychiatrist who put me on meds and still almost 5 months later we’re still finding the right meds but things are going much better. Please don’t be afraid to reach out and get help. Talk to your OB about a referral if you need to (mine referred me to my psychiatrist). Newborn stage can be extremely difficult and you went through a lot! You’re still healing, you’re pumping which takes so much from you (also, if pumping is affecting your mental health just know it is completely fine to stop!), and your hormones are still changing. Reach out to family for help if needed as well. Sometimes even having a day “off” can help you feel so much better!

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I think I had PPA for a lot of it and maybe PPD specifically for pumping milk lol.

However, after quitting pumping in August after nearly 13 months, I experienced PPR. I was increasingly annoyed by everything.

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My best friend experienced HORRRRIBBBEEE PPD/PPR esp. PPR and it didn’t hit her until about 8 months PP and lasted about 6 months.
Edit to add: she didn’t BF, she formula-fed. BUT tbh I think her toxic horrible husband played a lot of part especially in her PPR. Also, if pumping is taking a mental toll on you like that, PLZZZZ switch to formula. You will be sooo grateful. I know I was and my baby is almost 6 months now and doing AMAZING.