Welcome to the weekly discussion! Use this space to vent about partners/family members and air your grievances! Please report any comments that break the guidelines.
Please remember that Rule 1 still applies. No personal assaults, racism, sexism, transphobia, homophobia, insulting or dehumanizing language, including insults and general incivility.
Sorry for the lengthy read; I’m not sure if I simply need to rant and seek advise or what. But I’m at my wits’ end right now.
So, from the start of my pregnancy, my partner and I chose to only tell his parents and my father when I gave birth, and we asked those three individuals not to spread that information, which we will do. Might I add that my partner is deployed out of the country and has yet to meet his son, and will not for another two weeks. We also informed everyone at the start of the pregnancy not to ask when they could come by; we’ll decide when he’ll be home, which will most likely be at least a week.
I’ve always had a close relationship with his family, and they’ve been quite supportive throughout this process. I’m now residing with them because my boyfriend is stationed somewhere, and we’ll be moving soon after he returns home.
I gave birth at 34 weeks and 4 days, so my baby had to stay in the NICU for a week. Yesterday, I finally brought him home, and he’s now 8 days old. My partner’s parents told everyone on his side of the family the day I gave birth, so while I was recovering (thankfully, it was quick and easy), my phone was constantly buzzing with messages. I managed to get over that, but then they informed everyone that the baby was in the NICU and later that he was coming home. Now, everyone is asking when they can visit.
Yesterday, my partner’s parents brought it up, and I told them we plan to hold off on visitors until my partner returns in two weeks. I want to spend time with my baby outside the NICU, which I don’t think is unreasonable. I also mentioned that I would inform the family to avoid any backlash since they already told everyone he’s home. They walked away without saying anything, so I thought that was settled. However, a few hours later, my partner sent me screenshots of texts from his parents, saying we are being unreasonable and unfair to the rest of the family. They don’t think it’s right that they have to tell people they can’t visit when asked for updates.
Why would anyone need daily updates? He’s a baby, he eats, pees, poos, sleeps, and breathes, that’s it. They also complained that I’ve been in the room with the baby most of the day, and they haven’t been able to see “their baby” (which really annoys me). I gave them hospital bracelets to visit him anytime in the NICU, which they did. I explained that I was upstairs because he was sleeping and feeding, but they were welcome to come up and be with him or take him into the loft. I just didn’t want to leave him alone for too long. I was coming down at least every hour to talk, eat, and play with the dogs.
Since bringing my baby home, I’ve been constantly questioned about everything I do or say regarding his care. For example, I mentioned that we shouldn’t put anything in the bassinet due to SIDS risk, that he needs to eat every 3 hours even if I have to wake him, that he shouldn’t be in his car seat for extended periods, and that we shouldn’t add extra cushions to his car seat that didn’t come with it. Despite this, they insist that I’m wrong, that the doctors don’t know what they’re talking about, and that I should follow their way, the way they and their parents did it.
I kind of lost it and told my partner that what’s truly unreasonable and unkind is them not respecting our rules and thinking they have any say in what happens with our baby. Thankfully, he agreed and was on the same page. He sent a text back saying we would handle informing everyone that they have to wait (which we did, and everyone seemed fine with it) and that his parents need to back off and stop making this about them.
Needless to say, they weren’t happy. They mentioned the money they’ve spent on us and accused us of being ungrateful. They haven’t spoken to either of us all day. When I brought the baby downstairs to make his bottle, I offered them to hold him. His father held him for about 2 minutes before handing him off and going to his room without saying anything. His mother held him for 30 minutes, then they both left the house without a word.
I simply don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything, from talking to them to not talking to them. I’m really at a loss, and I believe they believe that since they are hosting us (which I have thanked them for and haven’t complained about up to this point), they have the right to make all decisions. Also, the fact that they’ve brought money into the discourse makes me feel even more uncomfortable.
Hi there!
I’m a first-time mom who welcomed my baby boy in May! I’m not really seeking advice but wondering if what I’m experiencing is normal because it’s starting to affect me mentally and emotionally.
My baby is the first and only grandchild on both sides of our family, so you can imagine the excitement. I’ve always had a decent relationship with my in-laws—my MIL got on my nerves sometimes, but it was tolerable. Since becoming pregnant and having my baby, being around her has become anxiety-provoking. She makes me feel completely dismissed as my son’s mom, and it’s so bizarre. It started when I was in labor; she didn’t even text or reach out when I was getting induced. Then, she was the first to come to the hospital, didn’t ask how I was feeling, held the baby, and whispered to my husband, “He looks just like you.”
Now, whenever we visit, if the baby fusses and I naturally try to calm him, she won’t give him to me and tries to soothe him herself. She doesn’t ask me anything about our feeding or schedule, only my husband. She doesn’t ask how I’m doing or acknowledge what I’m doing as a mom but will say things like, “Oh my gosh, the baby loves his Auntie so much” (referring to her other son’s wife). She keeps saying, “We gotta get the baby to say ‘dada,’ say ‘dada.’” She takes pictures of everyone else in the family with the baby but not me. It would be nice to have photos of me and my baby because I just have selfies—nobody ever tries to take a picture of us together.
She’s also so dramatic when she sees him, saying, “Oh my gosh, he doesn’t recognize me” or “I never get to see you!” We live an hour away, and she never offers to come over, but we’ve brought him to her house at least twice a month since he was born.
It feels like a complete disregard for me as his mom, and I’m starting to dread being around his family. The holidays are bringing up so much dread, emotions, and sadness.
I’ve already scheduled a referral to see a therapist to work through this, but has anyone else felt this way with their MIL or dealt with something similar? Am I being overly sensitive? It just feels really hurtful.
My 4-month-old seems to hate my mom, and I have no idea why. He screams bloody murder with every visit and interaction. If she so much as looks at him, he cries. She’s never been alone with him—always supervised visits since I’m not ready to leave him alone with anyone but his dad. So, I know nothing out of the ordinary has happened between her and my child. My baby is fine with everyone else, loves our friends and family, just not my mom. She’s upset about it and takes it personally. She’s never had a reaction like this from a baby before, and she has other grandchildren.
Is this normal, and will he grow out of it? I want her to be involved in his life, and I understand that he’s just a baby and babies cry at random things, but it’s so frustrating. She can’t visit him unless he’s just woken from a nap; otherwise, he gets so upset and worked up that it messes up his sleep routine for the rest of the day.
This may be silly, so reject it altogether, but does your mother wear perfume?
Or smoke? Alternatively, use a perfumed fabric softener.
The baby may be sensitive to this and react to it, rather than your mother.
Again, I could be completely off base, but perhaps try a scent-free detergent/no perfume and see where it takes you?
My husband travels frequently, and I feel isolated. Are there any other mothers whose husbands work somewhere else? My mother is gone, and my father is in the United States, so I don’t have much company. How are you coping? He wants another one, but I don’t! He is never home!
Can you say this? It seems logical to suggest, “If you want a larger family, something will have to change with your job, because it is already too much for me.” Even without the second question, it appears acceptable to say so.
Both of my parents are using a picture of my son as their profile pictures on social media, and it annoys me a bit, to be honest. I know it comes from a good place, but it still doesn’t sit well with me. Mostly because my dad frequently posts politically charged memes and videos. I didn’t care much about it before—let the old man say what he wants on social—but now that my son is his avatar, I have a stronger gut reaction. I feel a little guilty for feeling this way because both parents have been helpful these past few months. I never thought I would have strong feelings about issues like these as a parent. It’s bizarre.
Should I let this go or make a stance? My partner and I share pictures of him on our social media, so where’s the line for the grandparents? Thanks for reading!
I can understand how that’s annoying, but yeah I would let it go.
Is it unreasonable to want to go back to the gym, or is my wife being unreasonable for not letting me go?
My wife and I have a 2.5-month-old baby. Here’s our current schedule:
I used to be an avid Crossfitter, going 5 times per week. My health is very important to me, but I’ve only gone to the gym about 4 times since the baby was born. I always ask before going, assess the situation, and won’t go if my wife has had a rough day or if the baby is fussy. I’m always considerate and put my family first without question.
However, my wife doesn’t want me to go to the gym and sometimes makes me feel bad for asking. The times I have gone were basically transactional.
Is her view unreasonable, or am I being unreasonable for thinking I can go back to the gym at this time?
When do you want to go to the gym, and how much time would it take? If going to the gym means extending her 8 hours of baby care to 9.5 hours on those days, I can see why she might be unhappy with the idea. Is there any chance you could go during lunch or stop work at 4 some days to fit it in?
The hard part with young kids is that it’s very zero-sum. If you go to the gym, she’s left with the baby alone for longer. It sounds like you’re doing a good job dividing things up, but since she’s nursing and you’re working, she’s handling both nights and days, which is a lot.
I suggest integrating the gym into your schedule if it’s important to you, rather than making it something you ask for that causes tension. If it has to be at the end or beginning of the day, maybe you could offer to take the baby on Saturday or Sunday mornings? You could take the baby on a walk for 45 minutes at 5 am so she can have some time to herself.