Hello everyone! Our little one is 8 months old. He’s been in daycare for a couple of months now, and they’ve asked us to give him some space. He’s been struggling with separation anxiety, crying when he can’t see anyone, and having trouble napping alone.
At a friend’s 1-year-old birthday party, my partner asked when our boy would start holding his bottle on his own, like her friend’s baby did at 6 months.
So, I’ve made a conscious effort to let him do things on his own. I put him down for naps alone in a dark room with Alexa playing brown noise after a bottle and a fresh diaper. He’s getting better at napping alone for hours at a time. I guide his hands to hold his bottle, position it correctly, and let him drink. He can finish a full bottle by himself when lying down and about half a bottle while sitting up (he tends to angle it down around that point). Over the weekend, we put a plate of food in front of him and let him feed himself. The waitress told us not to worry about the mess, as she has kids of her own and understands.
It’s important for their personal growth to let them be by themselves and do things independently. You can start slow, but they’ll pick things up.
I wanted to share this because it wasn’t covered in any of the parenting classes we took, and we had gotten into a habit of doing everything for him and always being around him.
As a speech pathologist, I’ve seen that always anticipating your child’s needs can contribute to language delays. On the flip side, letting them do things independently without hearing the language associated with their actions can also cause delays. It’s important to model language and give them opportunities to imitate, even when they’re very young, even though we don’t expect them to say their first words until around a year old. Always talk to yourself and narrate what they’re doing. Use the correct adult words for things; otherwise, they might learn that “baba” means bottle. Kids simplify their speech because they can’t pronounce words like adults, but adults should always use the correct labels.
I wanted to share this because I’m expecting my first baby (28 weeks pregnant!), so I’m also here to learn. I evaluate many kids who have speech and language delays (not disorders!) due to the way parents interact with them. This isn’t typically covered in parenting classes or easily accessible information for new parents.
Oh! It’s also worth noting that teaching children different languages does not cause delays as long as the child’s exposure to each language is roughly equal.
In my childhood development lesson, we learned that multilingual newborns tend to start speaking later, but then have a phase in which their language explodes and they catch up to their peers and more. I would not call this a delay because it is developmentally acceptable, but it is on a timeline different from their single-language counterparts.
Totally, and as long as the receptive language is normal, there should be no problem! Being bilingual or multilingual is also extremely beneficial to children’s cognitive development!
I meant to add doesn’t cause disorders* Despite being raised in a bilingual environment, I still hear parents claim “We’re only teaching them English rn” because they’re scared it’ll harm rather than help their child.
I used to babysit and encountered a 3-year-old with severe language delay because all his needs were anticipated. He would make a sound and expect to get water, bathroom help, food, etc., without having to ask. We live in France, where independence is highly valued, especially after age 3. This became a big problem at school. They tolerated it for a year, but when he turned 4, they expected the family to intervene.
I remember how surprised his mom was when she saw him feeding himself with me, as he was always fed at home. This had never been discussed, so I simply served him his food and expected him to eat it. I also had to teach him to put on his clothes when he was 4 because he would have a meltdown if asked to put on his socks, shoes, or coat.
I’m convinced my son’s (11 months old) developmental delays are because both my husband and I are stay-at-home parents and have always been super responsive to him. When he was born, we were told to always respond to him to build a good attachment and bond, but I wish someone had told us to start encouraging independence at some point because we clearly missed that memo.
Since we’re both around, he’s always picked up, tended to, rocked, shushed, and fussed over as soon as he cries or fusses. He had a gross motor delay because we picked him up as soon as he started to cry during play gym or tummy time. It became obvious that he was, and still is, reluctant to try crawling and standing because he knows he can just cry and we’ll pick him up or help him stand. He goes from rivers of tears to immediate happiness as soon as we give him attention.
We’ve been trying to teach him to be resilient and independent by letting him fuss a bit if he can’t reach a toy. And surprise, surprise, a few months later, he’s now all caught up in gross motor skills. It makes perfect sense in hindsight: he can’t learn or practice doing something hard if we help him immediately when he cries. He is still very clingy and has separation anxiety, but we’re working on building his confidence and independence slowly. If he’s in a safe space with toys and starts to cry or fuss because a toy is too far, I make sure he can see me and reassure him that I’m right there and will help him in a few minutes. Then I count to 60 seconds. Nine times out of ten, he’ll crawl to the toy himself before I even reach 30 seconds, and I can continue doing the dishes or whatever I was doing while he happily plays for a few more minutes.
We’re also working through a speech and communication delay that I suspect is due to the same reason. It’s been an eye-opening experience. I know a lot of people say you can’t spoil a newborn, and I agree, definitely respond to your newborn’s needs. But know that at some point, babies need to be taught to be independent, and it’s sooner than you might think.
Did a licensed professional inform you that your responsiveness resulted in delays? There may be additional explanations for the gross motor and speech delays.
With a delay, they almost always catch up with the appropriate strategies! If you’re concerned, ask your child’s primary care physician for a speech and language evaluation to ensure everything is on track:)
I’ve heard the advice to “always be talking to yourself and narrating what they’re doing,” but it seems to contradict normal speech patterns. When I’m with another person, I don’t narrate what I’m doing or what they’re doing. It feels like too much noise to me.
This doesn’t mean I never do it with my 14-month-old, but when I do, it’s intentional because I want to direct her attention to the activity and share it with her. Sometimes, I also enjoy being quiet.
I’m genuinely curious about your thoughts on this. I wonder if the advice to “constantly narrate” might have been taken too far by some people.
I might be oversimplifying a bit since this is just an informal post, but ideally, you’re right. You should establish joint attention and talk about the things your child is excited about or interested in. Follow their lead. It’s okay to be quiet sometimes, but children learn language by hearing words used in context. Verbal routines, making up your own songs, or using existing songs during daily routines can really help grow their vocabulary.
Kids don’t automatically have a lexicon stored in their brains. More language exposure can’t hurt, but they won’t pick up on things they aren’t paying attention to. Children also learn through frequent repetition. Attention needs to be established first because we can’t learn or store in memory what we aren’t paying attention to.
That’s one reason why screen time for young children can be dangerous. Short TikTok-type videos can perpetuate an attention span of one minute or less before needing the next dopamine hit. Limited screen time can be okay if you’re engaging with them and talking about what they’re watching, much like you would when reading a book to them. However, using a screen as a babysitter can lead to attention issues. Sorry for the digression!
Thank you for your kind reply! Sometimes I feel a bit guilty for not narrating every little thing (like putting another cup away!), but the way you explained it makes a lot of sense.
Screen time is indeed a challenge—we never have the TV on while the baby is awake. However, we do have a Google Home with a screen, and the screensaver is a cute little froggy that occasionally moves. If I forget to turn it away while she’s in the kitchen, she gets completely mesmerized by it. TVs in restaurants are also a distraction, making it hard for both adult interaction and infant attention.
Thanks again for sharing your insights on something I’ve been pondering.