This is a throwaway account because my (F25) husband (M25) is obsessed with this forum. I don’t think I’m looking for advice or anything, I guess I mainly need a place to vent.
The honest truth is, I don’t want anything to do with this baby. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, and I thought I’d love my kids so much, but he’s already 6 weeks old and even looking at him makes me have a panic attack. My husband does everything for him except pump (obviously). When he goes to shower or use the bathroom, I’ve started waiting at the door for him to give Roman back.
I don’t trust myself to hold him. I literally feel like I’m going to drop him on his head. The only people I know will hold him right are his dad and my big sister. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m so sad that I don’t enjoy my baby as much as I loved being pregnant. My husband has longer paternity leave with his job than my maternity leave, so I have to pick up the slack now so he doesn’t get burned out before I go back to work, but I just can’t.
Sorry you are going through this. Not a medical professional but sounds like PPA a bit, I would speak to your doctor. It sounds like you care a lot about your son despite your contradictory feelings.
This sounds like something bigger—PPD/PPA possibly. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. That feeling like you’re crazy is so hard. I know you said you’re not looking for advice, but I really think you should talk to your doctor. As someone who always thinks my problems aren’t worthy of other people’s time to get help, I promise this is. If nothing else, know you’re not alone! In the trenches with you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know you didn’t ask for advice but this sounds pretty serious and your baby’s wellbeing is paramount so I would suggest the following, not necessarily in order:
Seek professional counselling for postpartum depression immediately.
Transition baby to formula, or at least start combo feeding, asap. Breastfeeding (this includes exclusively pumping) is really intense and has a huge impact on your hormones, mood, and ability to rest. Taking this responsibility off your shoulders might make a difference to how you feel. Even if it doesn’t, it will put you and your family in a better position for the baby to be fed consistently if you truly can’t cope and need to take time away or get intensive treatment for PPD.
It sounds like your husband is functionally and emotionally the primary caregiver right now and you are in the ‘other parent’ role that often (stereotypically) falls to men/non-birthing parents. I would imagine that on top of your actual feelings, there is a load of internalised guilt and shame happening for you in not filling that traditional role. But I wonder if it might actually help if you try to accept/‘lean into’ this ‘husband’ role a bit, at least for now - and be the best damn husband you can be. Forget about gender roles. Can’t face holding the baby for long? Okay - then do the dishes. Cook dinner. Run a load of laundry while your partner holds the baby. Your child still has one fully committed/doting parent - so maybe YOUR job, while you sort out your mental health and confusing feelings towards the baby, is to support that parent (your partner) the best you can?
@Luca #2. Pumping made me so angry. I feel like I missed out on the newborn stage because I was just so angry every two hours. Don’t let anyone bully you if you choose to stop pumping and move to formula. You need to take care of your needs to be a present mom and if someone tries to make you feel bad tell them to shove that opinion elsewhere. Do what works for your body and your family.
@Nyx
Echoing this, the yelling lol. Pumping made me feel a sense of sadness, like I was missing out on my baby and like my baby created a stronger bond with my husband because I was busy making milk.
Devon said: @Nyx
Echoing this, the yelling lol. Pumping made me feel a sense of sadness, like I was missing out on my baby and like my baby created a stronger bond with my husband because I was busy making milk.
I spent my days crying until he got home. I would feed her then put her down to pump then feed her again. I had no time to just exist, all I did was feed and make the milk. It was miserable. My baby absolutely favored my husband for a while.
@Nyx
Yeppp this. Feed baby, pump, feed baby, try to pee while worrying baby was going to fall off the bed or hold baby while peeing. Feed the baby to sleep in my lap while I pump then die from a full bladder and inability to move.
My husband took an entire year off. I pumped for 13 months, I didn’t have a choice because allergies and no formula working. I wanted to quit so many times and I was a slave to my pump. Never could make enough, had to supplement with allergens it was a very dark hard time. It kind of got better around 7 months once we figured out the actual allergens and how we could feed them at the best times to help, and how to limit my baby’s milk intake to keep her from being in pain .
My babe is now 100% a mama’s girl. She was a daddy’s girl for about 2 months.
Dude, newborns are rough. If I have another, I hope they’re the unicorn chill babies that just like sleep eat and poop happily. And latch onto my mfing nipple. Successfully
I hope your situation has gotten better and that you’ve had a chance to be favored too.
@Nyx
Honestly, yell it. Exclusive pumping ruined my experience of having a newborn. If my next baby struggles to latch past a couple of weeks they’re getting the formula. And I have no doubt they’ll be fine.
Girl I’ve been exactly where you are and felt all of the things you’re describing. It was hell. It’s so so hard. PLEASE speak to your doctor, I had to go on medication when my baby was 7 weeks old, I’m off the meds now at 5 months and can honestly say they saved my life. I love my baby so so much now but literally felt exactly the same way at the start. It’s normal for it to be hard but it doesn’t need to be THIS hard. PLEASE reach out and get help .
I also have a 6 week old, and I had anxiety about doing things wrong and it prevented me from getting close with my daughter. I felt a lack of connection initially because I convinced myself that I wasn’t as good as my partner at all of the things (including holding her) that I began to avoid them. When I realized what I was doing, I reversed course and forced myself to take on the tasks that I didn’t feel confident in. I dreaded solo parenting when my partner needed to run errands but now I encourage her to get out of the house for her own health. In doing so, I’m finding I’m building a much stronger bond with my daughter and am enjoying spending time with her more each day.
Easier said than done, but try not to let your anxiety get in the way of your happiness. If you have access to mental health resources, you might want to reach out to a professional.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Echoing what others said, I would recommend talking to your doctor. This sounds like PPD/PPA. I experienced both PPD/PPA but not exactly the same as what you’re describing; however, similar to you, I didn’t feel a strong attachment to my baby for the first couple of months? I eventually got some help, and as baby got older, things got easier, I started to get more sleep, etc. and today my LO is almost two and I adore him.
I hope you’re able to get the help you need, and again I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you feel right now. These early newborn days can be soooo tough. But this too shall pass .
I’m going to tell you… I felt like this a little in the beginning.
It wasn’t so much avoiding, but I was exhausted, pumping all the time, trying to learn to breastfeed, etc. it was all new to me and I was scared of my baby a little bit.
Like I didn’t trust myself that I was good enough to do anything. My husband caught on so much faster. He was better at getting my LO dressed, feeding her, holding her, diaper changes, swaddling. All of it, I felt intimidated… like I wasn’t as capable and he did it better so I didn’t need to or didn’t want to and I was so tired from pumping and trying to eat to make milk that I just was maybe avoiding my baby in a sense.
I felt like their bond was stronger and that my baby didn’t like me. I’m not sure if it was hormones mixed with lack of sleep or lack of self-confidence.
It took awhile (maybe 12 weeks) to really fully feel like I was capable of doing stuff. The more I did, the better I was, the more comfortable I was. The more my babe actually preferred me. Reached for me.
If you’re feeling like this, like maybe it could be nervousness and newness of having a baby, you’re not alone. Try to push yourself into doing more changes, more feedings, etc. it will get better the more you do it.
If it’s not this, as others say maybe you’re experiencing PPA.
I felt like this too, from the beginning. I was breastfeeding and then giving the baby to my partner or my mom when he went to work. I absolutely adored and loved my baby, but I was just sooo scared if I’m doing everything right.
What helped me a bit is to take the baby and do the tasks myself, but with partner or my mom near me. I feel better now and more confident in myself. I am still a bit scared to be left alone home with the baby, so it’s a process.
it was a very dark hard time. It kind of got better around 7 months once we figured out the actual allergens and how we could feed them at the best times to help, and how to limit my baby’s milk intake to keep her from being in pain .
but at least it was on a useful comment to be yelling lol
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