About six months ago, my wonderful baby boy was born. He’s so perfect, sweet, and happy, always smiling and playing, plus he sleeps through the night. I really couldn’t be luckier. However, when he gets mad, he really gets mad. I struggle to manage my anger in those moments. It feels personal, and I get so frustrated that I sometimes cover his mouth or squeeze him, which is terrible and only makes things worse. I’m unsure what to do. I’ve tried walking away, but returning makes me furious again. I feel like a terrible father, like I’m not meant to be one at all. I’m scared I might accidentally hurt him in a moment of anger. I can’t believe I’m sharing this; I feel less of a man.
This post has been categorized as ‘Mental Health.’ We are stricter here; any argumentative or unsupportive comments will be removed.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this forum if you have any questions or concerns.
Hey man. Good on you for having self-awareness. There are plenty of good tips, but what really helped me was rewatching my reaction to my kid when they were difficult through the camera.
I never reacted that way again.
Maybe using cameras could protect you from yourself, but it’s a tip from me. Definitely check out all the suggestions shared here and consider speaking to a professional. Your child’s future and your own well-being depend on it.
@Anik
I believe watching your reactions is a powerful tool. You could also try looking in a mirror.
Thanks, everyone, for your kind words and advice. I’ve set an appointment with my PCP to talk about possibly getting medication for my depression and anger. I hope it helps, and I can keep learning and growing as a father.
@Abi
I don’t know you, but I’m really proud of you for reaching out for help and taking advice. You’re not a bad person or father; sometimes, these struggles are physiological and unrelated to your character. It’s not your fault this is happening, but it is your responsibility, and here you are taking that step. You’re going to be okay.
In the meantime, there might be moments when your son gets upset, and you’ll react this way before seeing your doctor or starting medication. Consider having an interim plan to manage both his safety and your well-being. Talk to your partner about strategies you both can use until you find a professional solution. I’d suggest really walking away and staying away until you’ve truly calmed down. I’m a first-time mom honest about my own struggles with anger, and I find that if I lose my temper as soon as I come back after a break, it’s a sign I wasn’t calm before returning. It can be tough on your partner, who has to cover for you more during that time, but it’s the right choice until you learn better ways to cope in the heat of the moment.
You’ve got this. Be kind to yourself. Becoming a parent brings out everything you struggled with before. You are not alone.
@Abi
Someone just recommended this podcast elsewhere today, and I’ve been listening to various episodes. It’s two dads discussing parenting and the traumas involved, focusing on managing our own emotions first to help our kids. It’s compassionate and worth a listen. Here’s the link: Pop Culture Parenting Podcast Series - Apple Podcasts
@Abi
A couple of things: unless you’re depressed, your doctor probably won’t prescribe mood elevators. The symptoms you describe point to a need for looking at a psychiatrist. However, I believe that therapy would be the most beneficial! I started seeing one, and it’s been really great for me.
Have you talked to your doctor about this yet? Dads can also experience their own kinds of postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage. Your doctor can discuss different options for managing that.
MommyMegan said:
Have you talked to your doctor about this yet? Dads can also experience their own kinds of postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage. Your doctor can discuss different options for managing that.
I agree with this. As a mom, my postpartum rage felt similar. After starting a low dose of daily Prozac about a year ago, it really changed my life. Self-care is important, but sometimes we all need a bit of help, and that’s okay! You obviously care so much about being a good dad. Talk to your doctor and see what options you have. Sending lots of love and support your way.
@Ren
I take anti-anxiety medicine myself, and that changed everything for me. Now, I can be present and enjoy my baby instead of being stressed about everything that could go wrong.
I’ve heard that Loop earbuds or just regular earbuds can help lessen the noise. Nobody likes the constant sound of a screaming baby. Maybe you can put him down for a moment to block your ears before trying to comfort him again?
@Zeek
When my four-month-old cries, I’ll have a podcast running in my AirPods with transparency mode on. It helps me stay calm while still hearing her.
@Zeek
Yes, it makes a big difference in managing the crying when all you can do is rock and shush.
@Zeek
I recommend these earbuds or even standard earplugs. Most aren’t perfect, so you can still hold a conversation.
@Zeek
Earbuds shifted my experience! I’ve struggled with my six-month-old being fussy and fighting sleep. I tried putting in earbuds, playing music, and rocking her. Now, it’s my go-to when she’s cranky!
@Zeek
I’ve really changed with earbuds—they’ve helped me so much. I noticed that loud screaming stresses me out the most, and the earbuds soften that.
Just to add to the suggestions: consider getting a therapist (I know, it’s easier said than done). Your doctor might have recommendations for places with several therapists for video sessions. My husband’s doctor connected him with someone when he couldn’t reach out to one.
While medication can help, I’ve realized that much of my anger stems from my childhood experiences (my response to anger is what I learned growing up). Working through that takes time, but I can still see it come up with my cranky son. Recognizing, ‘I’m feeling this way because of x’ and deciding how to react can help. It takes effort, but over time, managing your reactions becomes easier as you identify your feelings, pause, and say, ‘I need to do x so I don’t do something I regret.’
You’re not alone. Many of us go through similar feelings of rage and anger. Reaching out for help is the correct step forward. You’re here seeking advice because you’re scared. Now, just work on it. Kids will test our limits, and I’ve had to hand my son to my partner and say, ‘Take him.’
@Niko
This is an excellent comment and similar to my husband’s experience. He recognized it all stems from his past, and naming those feelings helped him a lot.
@Niko
Bump. Many strong reactions come from childhood trauma or shame, leading to a negative cycle. I echo everyone’s suggestions about therapy, exploring medication, and lowering noise (like using earbuds). While you’re in the heat of the moment, ask yourself, ‘Is my reaction matching the situation?’ It can help calm you. While seeking therapy and medication, consider reading the book Good Inside. It’s helpful and encourages introspection to unpack your reactions. You’re doing an excellent job recognizing this now; by the time your little one reaches toddlerhood, your emotional toolkit will be stronger. Good luck; we’re all working on ourselves.