Around this time last year is when my husband and I were beginning our IVF cycle and I remember feeling so hopeless. We had been actively trying for over 3 years with little success and I felt like a failure because I couldn’t get pregnant. I used to cry myself to sleep because the only thing I wanted was to become a mom and be able to have a baby with my husband. We currently have a 3 week old little boy. I love my son with all my heart and soul but I really don’t enjoy taking care of a newborn. I enjoy the moments where he’s awake and I can interact with him. But his constant crying in the middle of the night despite his needs being met makes me want to fling my head against the wall. My husband and I are sleeping in shifts but he wakes me up throughout my time to sleep because he needs help. The sleep deprivation is really affecting me and I doubt my ability if I can actually be a good mom to my son. He’s formula fed and we take turns bottle feeding him. Apart of me feels guilty for hating being a parent at times because this is what I wanted for such a long time. My husband and I will be going back to work in 3 weeks.
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Please don’t feel guilty. You wanted a baby, or perhaps you dreamed about all the fun stuff you’d do with your child. What you have now is an Angry Potato, and that’s…not the same.
Also, dad has opposable thumbs and can handle feeding a bottle. You both have about 20 days of experience in caring for this baby, and Dad is just as capable of googling “how to calm a crying baby”. May I suggest some earplugs for you, and a hearty dose of “I trust you to figure this out” for him?
@Avery
Yeah, this. Waking up your spouse during their time to rest should be an absolute last resort!
No matter how much you wanted to be a parent, it’s totally okay to say that this is still really really hard. My husband and I tried for five years, went through multiple miscarriages, and then our daughter was born this past June. I distinctly remember crying one night in the early weeks about how hard everything was - and then remembered the many nights I also spent crying because we wanted a child so badly. You’re in the thick of it; and it really is just so so hard in the newborn trenches. You’re doing great and it’s totally okay to say that this is hard and that you’re having a hard time with it! If you have someone who can help so you get some sleep, don’t be afraid to ask for help! If talking to a therapist will help, definitely seek one out. I spoke with a therapist for the first 8 weeks and it was really nice to have a space to share how I was feeling without judgement.
Hey mama — I felt the same way. Multiple rounds of IVF, rainbow baby a year later. He’s 12 months now and, believe me when I say, it gets easier. Just hang in there. You’re doing great.
Wait what does your husband need help with that he can’t figure out without waking you up?
Nori said:
Wait what does your husband need help with that he can’t figure out without waking you up?
This!! If you’re formula feeding there is literally nothing you can do that your husband can’t. (I had a friend point that out to me as I EFF as well and it really resonated with me). It sounds like your husband needs to step it up and gain some confidence in his abilities. It’s not fair to you to never get uninterrupted sleep!
Nori said:
Wait what does your husband need help with that he can’t figure out without waking you up?
He’s been really stubborn about trying to sleep in the bedroom while it’s my turn to take care of the baby. He doesn’t want to sleep on the couch or the air mattress we have set out in our living room. He wakes me up asking for help to deal with our son when he’s crying or being fussy since he doesn’t want to deal with it anymore 
. My husband is very stubborn kinda similar to our son.
@Mal
This infuriates me. I know this is easier said (typed) than done to fix these kinds of workload issues, but if you can figure it out he can figure it out. Our rule is unless it’s an emergency you don’t mess with the shift sleeper. Crying? Blow out? Won’t settle? Not the sleepers problem.
@Nori
Ask him if you woke him up in the middle of him sleeping to solve an issue, what would he tell you to do?
@Mal
Honey I say this with kindness.
Tell him to figure it out himself and you don’t take over… explain in the daytime today “honey I love you and I believe you are capable. If you wake me up one more time I will leave the house”.
You need to put your foot down. Do. Not. Martyr. yourself.
My husband and I also went through 3 years of infertility, and ended up conceiving our son the month before we were scheduled for IVF. Infertility is hard. Being a parent is also hard. Both are allowed to be true. I can so relate to crying for years over wanting to be a mom, and can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried over how hard being a mom is. I definitely struggle with feeling guilty over it, so I completely get where you’re coming from. But I try and remind myself that it doesn’t mean I’m not grateful just because I’m struggling with being sleep deprived and learning how to care for my son. It’s hard for everyone! & that’s okay! Sending you lots of love!!
@Mal
He can figure it out. He doesn’t want to have to figure it out but he can. No one absolutely loves holding a flailing scream-crying newborn when they’re tired and trying all the different ways to soothe. He needs to buck tf up and realize he’s just as much a capable parent as you are and you’re not a superhero who doesn’t need as much sleep as he does.
@Cameron
What he needs to do is sleep on the air mattress and get a solid 6 hours instead of bitching about the baby waking him up at 1:00 am when he refuses to sleep somewhere else. Our deal was he sleeps from 8:00 pm - 3:00 am and I get to sleep from 3:00 am - 9:00 am. He’ll wake me up at 4:00 am after he finishes feeding the baby annoyed that he’s still crying. I tell him to do a mental checklist (does his diaper need to be changed, is he cold, hungry, gassy, etc). If all his needs are met, just put in ear buds and let him cry it out in the crib and check on him again later.
@Mal
I suspect he’s doing this on purpose with the hopes that eventually he’ll wear you down so much and get you so exasperated that you just give in and take over nights entirely.
Call him out on this. He needs to uphold his agreement.
@Mal
Trying to be charitable to your husband here (though he’s making it hard): getting up at 3am is rough and maybe that’s why he’s not being his best human. Could try swapping shifts and see if the other one works better for you?
The newborn stage is hard. My daughter was very much wanted and tried for. When she was 3-4 weeks old, I was wondering how in the world I thought this was a good idea. I wasn’t sure we’d survive the sleep deprivation. There were times I would literally have to sit her down and walk away while she cried (and that’s ok - if they’re in a safe spot, crying for a few minutes isn’t going to hurt them). I did find that ear plugs helped me handle the shrill crying that made me want to claw my brain out. I could still hear her, but I could also think.
It does sound like you and your husband may need to talk about what is and isn’t working. You both need to be getting sleep. If he is waking you up during your sleep shift, something needs to change. My husband and I struggled with this ourselves, but we eventually figured out how best to support each other and recognized that our needs can/do change. I think some of the challenge for him was not trusting his own judgement and feeling like I had answers that he didn’t.
But it gets better.
My daughter is 2.5 now and being her mom is actually fun (and has been for a while). I felt like we had a bit of a turning point when she started to smile and actually interact around 6ish weeks.
I still joke that I want a second kid, but not a second baby. If someone would hand me a 1-year-old, I’m pretty sure I’d be good. I’m not sold on going through another newborn phase (though we’re not preventing at this point, so I’m open to it.).
@Oli
I look forward to when he gets older and starts interacting with us more. He’s super cute and cuddly. I hope he will eventually sleep through the night.
Around this time last year, I was mourning a miscarriage and healing from a D&C. Now I have a 3 week old. It’s weird to look back on and I, too, feel guilty when I’m so frustrated with my son and snapping because of his fussiness considering I wanted this so bad. But I think we have to give ourselves grace, having a newborn is not for the weak.