So many people have offered to help with the baby, but I haven’t taken them up on it. The only help I really need would require them to live with us. If someone wants to do the bedtime routine and 5 am feedings, yes please. Other than that, I’m home all day and love hanging out with my baby.
Am I weird for being this way? People often say, “You never ask for help.” What type of help are you all asking for? At this point, I feel like I have to fake needing help.
EDIT: I didn’t expect so many responses so quickly. Thanks for all the suggestions. I don’t want anyone doing my laundry or anything like that. The only drawers/cupboards I’m comfortable with people opening are the kitchen ones. I think I’ll just ask for food.
Loving the suggestions to just hang out with us. It’s just me, the dog, and the baby until my partner gets home. This way, the baby gets some socialization, they get to hang out with the baby, and I get to talk to an adult.
Are they suitable for a lunch, dinner, or brunch date? Ask them if they could make xyz, which they are known for, or if they could just come over and hang out for the meal.
Exactly this. It’s like someone wanting to help out in the kitchen, but you have to go get the supplies, show them the recipe, explain how to prepare it, and so on, so there’s more energy spent in preparation than it would be if you just did everything.
Yeeeessss. Stop telling me to ask for help and just help me!!
My husband and I are private people who were the eldest in our families, so we already don’t even know how to ask for help lol. Plus, we have very few family and friends nearby. Family said they’d come help for weeks at a time, but we’ve only gotten long weekends at most. We have two retired grandparents in our families, and we’ve said multiple times that they’re welcome as long as they want. They come for 3-4 days, then go home and say how much they miss being here. It’s exhausting! I don’t like managing my family’s emotions on top of managing a baby and my household.
When people do visit, they ask how they can help. Honestly, I can barely decide what to wear. My mind is on the baby.
The best help I’ve gotten was from my brother and his partner who forcibly unpacked our house (we recently moved). I was nervous and a bit upset at first, but seeing the work they did and how much they accomplished, I am eternally grateful. My brother said I’ve helped him out more times than he can count, so he was happy to do it. Dude worked HARD.
Some friends have been helpful too, but I’m always nervous to ask for too much. I just take what’s offered and am grateful.
Things people can just do:
Tell me you’re buying or making a meal for us and just do it! I’ll eat what I’m offered!
Ask what snack we’re into and send that! Clif bars are awesome and I can eat them while holding the baby.
Send diapers or wet wipes in baby’s size if you want to help monetarily.
Don’t ask me to plan anything. Get your own hotel room, google information about the area, Uber or rent a car. You’re an adult, and I’m not your mom!
Let me get some self-care in. Shower, sleep, zoning out time. Sometimes I just need a glass of really cold water!
Go to the grocery store for us! I’ll gladly pay you back.
I want to hold my baby during the quiet times too! Give mommy some gentle baby time rather than only the upset times. Yes, I know how to soothe my baby faster than you do, but I also need that oxytocin hit from my baby after calming him rather than passing him off right away.
Track things I ask you to track when taking care of the baby! Just because you didn’t do it with your babies doesn’t mean we aren’t doing it.
Stop giving unasked-for advice. I have no more room for information and do not want to debate, nor do I have the energy.
If I’ve said a reasonable task I need help with, that’s my priority. I don’t need to find more things for you to do, only for you to not end up doing that task and everything else. It’s not helpful to make me wrack my brain for more things around the house when there’s something clearly on my mind.
My house is more of a disaster than ever, and you’ve probably noticed! Picking up, doing dishes, and sweeping are appreciated. And on that note:
Don’t make me pick up after you! I can only pick up after myself, the baby, my pets, and maybe my partner on a good day. Fold blankets you use, place your glass in the dishwasher, put toys and books away after you and the baby are done.
I’m happy to talk to you, but let’s avoid hot-button issues that we know we won’t see eye to eye on, or when you want to play devil’s advocate while we’re holding a baby. That’d be great, thanks.
Wash your hands and don’t make me worry about your germs or health. Come on.
I’m sure there are a thousand other things that could go on this list, but these are a few things that have come up for me with family. Wrote this a bit vent-y, obviously not directed at you, OP!
This is exactly why I’m exhausting myself instead. Someone coming in to help without supervision would probably make me more work, unless they were a trained baby nurse or something.
I’m bad at asking for help, so don’t bother asking me. But I had a (great) pushy friend who, when I asked her over, insisted on bringing me many cooked dinners and cakes (“you’d never ask me for help, so I thought I’d bring them anyway, throw them out if you don’t like them”), and basically demanded she wash my laundry. I know some people would find her intrusive, but it was just what I needed and prevented me from having to arrange things for her to do or even reach out and ask.
This is a great friend! It is very difficult when people say, “Let me know if you need anything!” I believe it helps them feel good, but it is ineffective if the person’s brain has turned to mush after childbirth. I admire people that take responsibility and say, “I’m coming over, bring taco bell, and I’ll hold the baby while you shower.” A pushy friend is a postpartum lifesaver!
Yes!!! This is really good. Especially when she says, “Throw this out if you don’t want it.” Aggressive offers of assistance with no conditions of appreciation or repayment are really vital!
