Two weeks ago, my wife and I welcomed our first child. The birth was hard; after 25 hours, she had to have an emergency C-section. We were in the hospital for four days, and everything seemed fine when we got home. But just two days later, my wife had high blood pressure, which caused a stroke. She’s been back in the hospital for eight days now. Thankfully, she is recovering slowly, but it’s tough on both of us.
I’ve been taking care of the baby by myself while visiting my wife every single day. I handle the whole routine – feeding, changing, soothing, and then taking the baby to the hospital so my wife can have some time with them. Honestly, everyone keeps telling me how “strong” and “amazing” I am for managing everything alone. But really? I just feel tired. More than that, I feel sad and disconnected from the baby. It’s not that I don’t care – I do – but love feels far away right now. I’m just running on autopilot, and my feelings are not what I expected.
My wife is very understandably sad about not being with the baby, and I feel guilty because I want to go back to how things were before. I never thought I’d feel this way, and I’m worried something’s wrong with me. Is it common to feel this disconnected and overwhelmed?
Any advice or shared experiences would be really helpful right now. Thanks.
Dads can feel postpartum depression too. Given what you’re going through and how everything in your life has changed, it’s really tough. If you have friends or family, now is the time to lean on them.
I get it, man. My wife was in the hospital with an infection just five days after we got home. She ended up spending nine days in the hospital, went back home for a month, then got another infection and had to stay in the hospital for ten more days.
As a first-time dad, it was incredibly hard. Just do your best and help your wife bond with the baby. I tried to bring our baby around as much as possible, which was challenging, especially during the rides when he cried in the car seat the whole way.
@Addison
Sorry to hear that, I hope your wife is okay! As someone going through postpartum for the first time, can I ask how your wife knew she had infections both times? Did she have a fever?
Darwin said: @Addison
Sorry to hear that, I hope your wife is okay! As someone going through postpartum for the first time, can I ask how your wife knew she had infections both times? Did she have a fever?
The first time she had trouble breathing and had extreme pain in her rib.
The second time she had prolonged fevers, shoulder pain from an infection, and what felt like a hernia near her belly button. They drained that surgically (it wasn’t a hernia), and she had a PICC line for nine weeks with IV antibiotics every eight hours. What a crazy start to parenthood.
She is doing better now, although the infection didn’t go completely away; it’s small and likely inactive.
My wife also had postpartum preeclampsia and had to go back to the hospital a week after our baby was born. I’m really sorry for what your wife is going through, especially having a stroke. I’m glad to hear she’s recovering though! It’s scary, and they don’t really prepare you for these things when you’re about to become a parent.
But remember, you can be strong and exhausted at the same time. Taking care of everything on your own while allowing your wife time to bond with the baby is amazing. It’s really tiring, I know, I had my own days alone and it’s so hard with no time to focus on yourself. Bonding with my baby was tough at first too, especially when there’s so much stress and worry. You’ll definitely build that bond with your kiddo as they grow over the coming weeks. What helped me was looking our baby in the eyes a lot, especially during feeding, and saying things like “daddy loves you” and “I will always be here for you.” Each time I said it, my love for her grew.
Now our little girl is nine weeks old, and I look back at that tough week and think it laid a strong foundation for us, even in a really hard time. I hope your wife recovers soon so you all can be together at home again. If you need to talk, feel free to reach out!
It took me over a month to feel anything towards my baby, and I’m the mom. The idea that you instantly bond and feel joy with a new baby is so much more complicated than that. You’re taking care of the baby, which is hard for anyone, especially without your partner beside you. You’re doing well, and the bonding will come.
I don’t have a shared experience, but it sounds like a really tough situation and I think your feelings are perfectly normal. A lot of parents don’t feel an instant bond with their newborns, and added stress from your wife’s health issues probably makes everything feel more overwhelming. Feeling exhausted is completely understandable! You’re doing your best, and it sounds like you’re handling it well, even if you don’t feel great. It will improve over time. I’m wishing your wife a speedy recovery too.
We had a similar situation where both my baby and I were septic and needed treatment for two weeks.
It’s traumatic, and just trying to survive can make you feel numb.
Our baby is three months old now, and we are just now starting to bond and really feel the love.
When I gave birth, I had to cope with almost dying, which made it hard for me to feel attached for a while.
You are doing what you can, so give yourself a break. I cried every day for the first few weeks; it was overwhelming.
If possible, see if a family member can watch the baby for a few hours so you can rest. It really helped me.
You’re doing great. Right now, just take the pressure off yourself about bonding. Focus on making sure everyone gets through this. That bond will come with time, I promise.
No advice, just letting you know I know what you’re going through. I also had blood pressure issues, severe preeclampsia, and my 48-hour induction turned into an emergency C-section. To top it off, my baby had to be rushed to the NICU. I couldn’t get out of bed for 24 hours due to medications, and everything was really traumatic, plus the NICU stay. I felt very detached for the first few weeks. You are going through so much, so give yourself some grace, and things will change.
Congratulations on your new baby! You’re going through a lot right now. I had an emergency C-section and complications too. It was tough, and I also felt disconnected from my baby. Just know you’re doing so much right now. If you have help from family, lean on them. If you can, consider hiring a night doula. The newborn phase is difficult, even when everything is normal, and it’s okay to feel like everything has changed a lot.
I’m really sorry you are facing this. I don’t have a similar experience, but I felt very tired and disconnected even with both of us caring for our newborn. I didn’t truly connect until my baby could interact a bit and smile back, and I was stress-free. Everything was on autopilot for at least six weeks. It’s okay, your life just got turned upside down in more ways than one. Take it one hour at a time. You won’t feel this way forever. You’re a great parent, and you’re doing your best to care for your wife and new baby!
You’re in shock; it’s a massive change. I think it’s pretty normal for dads to take a bit longer than moms to bond with the baby. Be kind to yourself; you’re juggling a lot. It’s okay to be on autopilot for now. You will bond with your baby when they start smiling at you and as you get to know them better.
I had to go back to the hospital with blood pressure issues too, and it was awful. I’m sorry for what your wife’s gone through with a stroke. That’s so stressful for you and your baby.
The only advice I can offer is that this is a short phase in parenthood and it will pass, even if it doesn’t seem so now.
Even without complications, this stage is exhausting and overwhelming. There’s nothing wrong with you; it’s normal. Your life has changed so much, and you’re dealing with a lot right now. Plus, not getting enough sleep is torture.
After I had my first, I felt completely numb and would dream about going back to work. Every day, I’d remind myself this was my new job, and I needed to get good at it. I forced myself to go out of the house and do baby-related activities in the park.
Eventually, a few months in, I realized I was kind of enjoying myself, and the hardest part was behind me. You got this – good luck.
It’s okay to feel this way. I had some struggles with postpartum depression and felt distant from my baby too. It felt like an unending list of chores – breastfeeding, changing, burping – all just constant tasks. I liked my baby and enjoyed cuddling, but love grew gradually. By the time he turned two months, everything clicked. He’s almost a year now, and he’s my little star; he follows me everywhere, and we play together. Some days are tough, but I don’t love him any less for needing me more.
I hope your wife gets better soon so you can all go home together and bond. It’s a hard time you’re in, and you should talk to someone close about what you’re feeling. Getting it out is better than holding it in.
New parenthood is overwhelming and tiring on its own, and adding the stress of your wife’s health complications makes it even more challenging. It’s normal to feel exhausted, disconnected, and overloaded.
If you can, reach out to family or friends for help. Taking a break, resting, sleeping, or doing something other than baby care could really help. You might also consider a temporary nanny or night nurse if family or friends aren’t available. And if you notice any symptoms of postpartum depression, remember it’s vital to contact a professional for support.
Honestly, managing a newborn, especially your first one, can put you into “autopilot mode.” Trying to get everything figured out while dealing with exhaustion and the change of expanding your family is a lot to handle. And that’s under the best circumstances. With the added stress of doing it all alone, your feelings are completely normal. You’re doing amazing so give yourself a break.
Right now, you’re focused on just making it through each day and doing your best for the baby, and the baby is doing the same. This is the toughest stage for everyone involved. While I felt a natural urge to protect my kids when they were born (and I’m also a dad), I didn’t truly bond with them until later, around six weeks in.
Don’t worry; the bonding will happen. You just have to be ready for it.
Feeling on autopilot during those first few weeks and months is normal, even when everything is mostly okay. Your wife is in the hospital, which is scary, and you are trying to support her while also caring for your tiny and needy little one.
You’re doing a fantastic job, seriously. Take it one day at a time. In the future, the love you have for your baby will be so immense it might knock you off your feet. For now, it’s completely normal to just get through each hour and day while being kind to yourself.
