Hey everyone! I’m almost 6 weeks postpartum, and one of the hardest things I’ve been dealing with is feeling resentment towards my husband. Let me start by saying I love him very much, but pregnancy and postpartum can bring out feelings you never expected. No one really talks about this.
It all began right after my C-section. My body went through so much, and the recovery was tough. Even though I know that’s what my body had to endure to bring our baby girl into the world, I couldn’t help but feel upset that he didn’t have to go through any of it.
Lately, I’ve been feeling resentful because I feel like I’m the only one getting up with our daughter at night. Night after night, I’m the one feeding her, burping her, rocking her to sleep, while he’s snoring away. He’s a light sleeper, so I know he can hear everything. He’s very helpful in other aspects of our lives, but he’s not stepping up during the night.
I’ve told him I need help, and he says, “Just wake me up, and I’ll help.” But I don’t want to have to wake him up every time. I feel like she’s his responsibility too, and he should wake up on his own or at least ask if I need help. It’s so frustrating to be up for hours and not have him offer to help. When I talk to him about it, it feels like it doesn’t register.
I hate feeling this way because I love him, and he’s a great dad. I just wish he’d step it up during the night.
I fully get it! My advice: he has stated that he needs you to remind him to get up for the night feeding. It’s imperfect, but you may try meeting him there. Tell him to get up every night, even if it’s simply to keep you company and encourage you. If he does, that’s excellent. And if he doesn’t get up even when you ask, you can argue about it - but that’s better than stewing in contempt over something ambiguous.
I’ve been urging him to get up to change diapers, but it gets old after a while, especially because he says he can hear me every time I get up with her.
How about trying a schedule? My wife is still home while I’m back at work, but our baby is my responsibility too. I also need to be reasonably well-rested for work. So, we came up with a plan: I handle anything before 2 am, which usually gets me back to sleep by 3 am at the latest, even if the baby is fussy around 2. On weekend nights, I cover until about 4 am since I can sleep in, whereas my wife can’t because once she’s up past 7 am, she’s up for the day.
With a schedule, he’ll know without being told that it’s his turn if the baby wakes up before or after the agreed time.
He also needs to understand the concept of mental load. Just like the house doesn’t tell you what needs to be done, you shouldn’t have to tell him either. The baby communicates their needs by crying, and he should respond to that without needing you to prompt him.
Simply shove him in bed to wake him awake. Don’t bother getting up; let him do it. Then fall back to sleep. I had to start doing this since my hubby would “pretend” to sleep at night. He rapidly recovered and began to get up on his own, without my having to tell him that he needed to engage in daycare.
Did I write this? I feel you 10000%. I’ve felt, and sometimes still feel, so much resentment towards my amazing husband. We can blame it on hormones, being the “default parent,” etc. Just know you’re not alone. I’m only 7 weeks postpartum, but I do feel like it’s gotten better for me.
The main advice I can give is to take a step back and remember you’re all on the same team; it’s not you vs. him. It helped me when I remembered what else he brings to the table. In my case, my husband works full-time, providing for our family. He may be doing less with our baby since I’m breastfeeding and getting up at night, but he’s contributing just as much in other ways.
Another thing I’ll say, which I need to listen to myself, is to actually voice your concerns and frustrations instead of letting them build up and then lashing out. I’ve done this one too many times. My husband would constantly check in and ask if I needed anything, and I’d just shut him down and say no. Then everything would build up, and I’d lose it. Communication is everything. I’m still working on it .
Thank you for the helpful suggestions! Yes, he provides so well for us; I just wish he would put in just as much effort when he’s at home with us lol. I believe what’s difficult is that he doesn’t know how to combine work and going home and putting in the same effort as a husband and father. I’ve definitely spoken my opinions, but not much has changed.
If waking him up is what it takes to get his help at night, then do it. If your little one is bottle-fed, consider discussing taking shifts. We had to establish this early on for the same reasons. My husband takes the 7 pm to 1 am shift, and I take the 1 am to 7 am shift. That way, we both get equal amounts of sleep.
At 4 months postpartum, I’ve realized I just have to ask him to do things. When asked, he has no issue helping with the baby or around the house. But expecting him to take initiative on his own has only led to disappointment. We had a lengthy discussion about it recently, and we concluded that his inner “to-do list” just doesn’t look the same as mine. Neither of us are mind readers, so delegations need to be clear. It’s unfortunate, but it doesn’t make him any less of a good dad or husband. It’s just an annoyance to deal with. I constantly have a voice in my head telling me the million things that need to be done. He does not.
It’s tough, but you really need to 1) have a conversation with him to agree on taking shifts and what that will look like, and 2) force yourself to sit back and let him take over. It’s really hard, especially if he doesn’t jump up as quickly as you or isn’t as efficient, but it’s the only way he will learn and feel empowered to do more.
I exclusively breastfeed, and while it wasn’t always perfect at the start, my husband wakes up to do every single overnight diaper change before handing the baby off to me to feed. This works for us and helps me feel less alone in those early morning hours. Plus, even if he dozes off again, I know he’s at least somewhat awake if I need extra help getting the baby back to sleep.
Lady, you’ve got this! The schedule worked beautifully for us, and Dad adjusted after a few nights. The only way to stay alone in this situation is to not let him in. Huge congratulations on your baby girl.
Place the bassinet on his side of the bed. He is now in control of the night. He needs to change the baby, wake you up to nurse, or make a bottle, feed her, burp her, and put her back down. If he requires additional assistance, he can wake you. This is the technique my parents used for me and my siblings, and it’s what I plan to do with my husband when we have our LO in December.
If he works and you don’t, putting the baby on his side of the bed on Friday and Saturday nights will allow you to rest.
.