This is pretty much a vent/brain dump. It’s been 3 months since I had my first little baby and I have only just now had time to reflect on how disappointing my postpartum experience has been. My birth, vaginal induction, was not complicated per se but it was traumatic and my son was born very small so that was added stress too. My husband has been the best part of it all but no one tells you that everyone else will go away. I thought maybe my family or friends would check on me but no one did. My mom came for the birth and still expected me up and moving around the next day. I was in tears trying to change a diaper with the pain I was in and no one helped me. I’ve never felt this type of isolation or loneliness before. Did anyone else go through this? My “village” left me and husband to figure it out on our own. No one sent me food. No one called. No one checked in. It makes me so sad. And now all they acknowledge is the baby. I mean I knew this could happen but I never knew how much it would hurt. I lost friends I’d known forever. And I have to be the one who reaches out. It’s just sad.
I’m sorry I just needed to get this out. I hope I’m not alone in this.
I’m a dad here…my wife and I definitely experienced this to some degree. There were a few who were good and helpful to us, but I think the majority of the people we thought would be supportive just kinda went radio silent.
Hang in there. You are far from alone!
@Kiran
Thank you. It’s just really sad when people who said they would be supportive or asked if I needed anything suddenly just forget I exist. Or act like the baby just magically appeared and I didn’t have to go through what I went through. And these are people who know my history of mental health as well so you’d think they would send a simple, how are you, but I guess not.
You are not alone. My husband and I experienced most of our family and friends seemingly forgetting about us. We were in love with our baby girl, but it would have been nice to have more support in the early days. We mostly got photo requests. My dad and stepmom visited a few weeks in and did not even bring a snack-much less a meal! Some grandparents didn’t meet baby for months. It was very disappointing. We think most forget (or don’t know) how hard the first few weeks and months can be.
I feel this. I had a traumatic birth I’m still not over. I’m the first friend to have a baby, so nobody checks up on me. It’s lonely. Luckily I have an amazing man through this. But still. It’s sad that I have to reach out to my friends first. Sometimes a “how are you doing?” would be nice 
Same here. I don’t want to hear oh they were never your friends from the get-go. I lost 90% of my friends group. It’s lonely but it will get better.
Milan said:
Same here. I don’t want to hear oh they were never your friends from the get-go. I lost 90% of my friends group. It’s lonely but it will get better.
It’s wild how ‘it takes a village’ turns into ‘good luck with that’ the moment the baby arrives.
People who don’t have kids have no clue what a deep and difficult transformation you’re going through. I didn’t know either before I learned on my own. And then I felt so much remorse that I called all my girlfriends to apologize for not being there, for not knowing.
Also, read/audio Matrescence. So validating.
Totally not alone. My grandparents only asked me once during pregnancy how I was and asked to see the baby one time a week after she was born and I haven’t had even a single text or call from them since then and that was 3.5 months ago. It’s like why, what happened to you, you must not care. Even my own mom, she only asks me like maybe once every other week how it’s going. You kinda realize all you really have is your spouse and hopefully they don’t disappoint you too.
We experienced this to some extent. My daughter was born healthy, but I hemorrhaged and needed to get swept. I was still numb but I felt the pressure of the OB’s arm sweeping the inside to remove any tissue that stayed behind. It really affected me mentally and intimately. I wanted nothing with my husband for several months.
Anyway, I got pregnant around the same time my BFF was about to start IVF after IUI miscarriage. I limited and have limited myself from sharing so much of the experience with who I thought I’d be able to. This is still a fresh wound each time I speak about it.
We live 2 hours from both families; I asked my mom if she’d visit for a few weeks to help me. Each time I asked her she wouldn’t provide an answer so I decided for her. We asked all family to give us a week to ourselves as a new family. My sister called me one day after I came home and told me that my mom broke down and started saying I was keeping her away from her granddaughter etc. etc. She visited and helped make us meals and clean.
My sister left on a vacation when I was two weeks postpartum. They knew my due date.
Now my mother-in-law, throughout the entire pregnancy, she said she was gonna come and teach us how to be parents (I still don’t know what this meant) but she said she’d help cook, clean, watch the baby, she respected the request of being left alone. When she visited, she cooked a meal for my husband with ingredients they both knew I don’t like. And on top of it, she only stayed with the baby the entire time. I broke down to my husband and he told his mom, then out of nowhere, she cooked something for me.
This was basically all the help we received during the newborn months. Both families come and go over random weekends. My parents help us just as they helped us when they first visited but my in-laws just lounge around.
In terms of friends, we’re the first to have a child so not many people checked in or came by frequently to help.
Ngl it was tough in every aspect. It still is some days but we’re getting through it.
Definitely not alone on this one. I completely feel the same. Following and looking for advice as well.
You’re not alone. No one helped us at all until a week later I got postpartum preeclampsia and suddenly people took us seriously for a couple weeks but yeah. We planned a big village. Even on the way to the ER with my blood pressure skyrocketing we called an old best friend and asked if they could help with the baby and they were not interested and busy. Friends who pledged to be there to help us, even on specific days of the week (I thought nailing this down would help prevent people from flaking on us lol) have disappeared when they realized it would have to be a caretaking priority and not just a flexible date fun baby visit. We didn’t want people coming over the night after partying so they didn’t come over at all. It’s not great. I guess the good thing is it’s brought us closer together as a couple because we’re trauma bonded or something? But it’s really sad. We’ve accepted being isolated for a while and will look into making friends next year. A couple local friends did stick by us, ironically it’s the busiest ones who still make time though.
And yeah…the fact that YOU still have to reach out is crazy! You just had a baby! People don’t get it.
I’m so sorry. You deserved more 
postpartum can be SO overwhelming! It sucks to go through something so intense alone.
If you feel up to it - ask for help now!
“Hi! Now that the newborn fog has lifted, I’m trying to catch up on everything that fell by the wayside. I’m hoping you can help me with (making some freezer meals/picking up groceries on my list next time you’re out/doing a few loads of laundry while I feed the baby/taking the baby while I nap). Would that be ok?”
We just welcomed baby #2 almost 4 weeks ago now. We expected nothing with our first because she was born during Covid but actually less people came around this time because it’s our second? My only living grandparent has called once in the last year. My own mother shares a house with us and hasn’t offered a meal or laundry help once. She’s held the baby only twice and at my request. I found it really difficult to cope with the fact that no one was “excited” about my second pregnancy. I think they forget how many hours I sacrificed as the eldest child watching my much younger siblings while my parents were out. We are truly alone except for this tiny family and the new village we accept. The only person who has offered to bring us food was the daycare teacher who has become my mom friend over the last two years. You will find your village even if it begins with one person.
I don’t recall anyone changing diapers or cooking or helping out, but it truly never occurred to me to expect it. I’m really surprised that others expect that sort of support outside of their SO/coparent. Our general experience sounds very similar to others here, but I think we just had different expectations and therefore weren’t disillusioned by the process. You’re not alone; you’ve always got a little best friend with you 24/7. Maybe visit a library for Baby Storytime or a similar parent/child class. Other parents with babies will relate to your new lifestyle a lot better than your “old” friends.
@Luca
I think it’s very culturally dependent. I’m of Indian descent. It’s abnormal to not have family support. Like my mom is staying with me at the moment and had since my daughter was born four weeks ago. My cousins had their moms with them for a year or two. It’s decently common enough. Obviously, if a parent has passed or is very ill it doesn’t happen. But more often than not there’s family that comes to help. In India, where families are generally in the same village, you have your cousins and aunts by you to come and cook and clean as well. America has such a disconnect with maternity and helping the mom. It’s very sad.
I understand completely; the same was for us. But offering a different perspective - before I had my own child, I had no idea what a hard transformation it is. I also, as shitty as it sounds, was not much interested in other people’s children. So while it sucks to not have a village, I’m not expecting my childless friends to come by to help because 1. They don’t know better and 2. They probably don’t have much interest in my child except maybe to just meet her and say hello. Family, on the other hand, should know a little better.
You aren’t alone. I feel for you.
I live with my husband in a different country thousands of miles away. I have no friends here so it’s literally my husband and I. My induction turned into an emergency c-section, and diagnosis of endometriosis during the c-section where I smelt smoke (my doctor had to burn the lesions). Safe to say it was traumatic. Oh, and I quit breastfeeding at just week 3. I had no one to visit me, no one checked up on me, family thought it’s better not to call me as I’d be “on the clock 24/7”… “don’t bother her”… wtf? My recovery was shit. I got diagnosed with postpartum thyroid (extremely overactive thyroid since I have positive antibodies for it). My kidneys got worse after birth, woohoo. I cried every day for 3 months but it’s getting less. I just wanted support from them so bad but didn’t want to ask because isn’t that obvious?? Jeez. I’m thankful for my husband. He was with me in every step.
Same boat. Except my husband is becoming distant balancing work and also caring for home and baby. Before I gave birth I had a list of people that offered to help postpartum. They all flaked. I had an extremely traumatic birth that left me needing more assistance than anticipated. I am so tired and trying not to slip into depression. 5 weeks postpartum.
Why are people either trying to steal your child like a rabid Rumpelstiltskin or couldn’t care less? Can’t we have a happy medium??