Are there any dads here who either didn’t want kids or wanted them much later but felt ‘unsure’ or ‘not ready’ when their partner got pregnant? I’m also interested in hearing from women whose partners felt this way.
I’m asking because my partner (35M) has said multiple times that he feels completely unready for kids and is really nervous about having them anytime soon. I’m also feeling anxious, but I believe there’s never a perfect time for this sort of thing, and I’m ready to move forward—after all, I’m a 39-year-old woman.
This has caused some tension for us over the last six months. I mentioned that we either need to start trying for a baby or end the relationship since it’s something I want for my future. He chose to try to make it work because he doesn’t want to break up.
I appreciate that he wants to keep the relationship, but I’m worried that he will completely lose it when/if I get pregnant. I feel he will be a good dad once it happens, but I worry about him getting depressed or feeling resentful about this new chapter in life.
I’d really like to hear from guys who can relate to my partner’s feelings. When the baby came, did you fall in love with being a dad? Does that actually happen? Or do you still feel regret? Please be honest.
I’m also keen to hear from women who feel similarly about their partner’s situation.
My husband was very clear that he didn’t want children, which I accepted even though I wanted kids.
However, we had a pregnancy due to a failure with contraceptives. I was scared to tell him, but he handled it well. He’s been the most amazing dad over the past 2 years. He loves her dearly and has no regrets about being a dad.
@Phoenix
I was in the same boat. It took me two days to gather the courage to tell him, completely expecting him to freak out and want to abort. Instead, he just froze for about 5 minutes and didn’t say a word. When he finally spoke, he just asked, ‘How are you? Are we doing this?’
@Phoenix
I can relate. He was reluctant during the pregnancy. I ended up going to all the scans by myself and handled all the preparations alone—he kind of checked out because he couldn’t deal with it.
When our daughter was born and they placed her on his chest (I was taken away for care), it was like a light turned on for him. He fell completely in love with her. She has been the best thing for him, and he’s much happier now. It wasn’t easy having a newborn with someone who wasn’t emotionally ready, but we worked through it.
For our second baby, we planned it together. He attended all appointments, and we organized everything together, which was a much smoother experience.
@Fin
Yes! My husband came to every single scan and appointment. When I faced serious complications, he was right there waiting at the hospital, even missing out on some rest before work.
For someone who was so unsure about kids, he has been incredible since the moment I told him.
My husband and I were initially not planning for kids for a while; we found out I was pregnant when I was 29. Right before I learned this, I had taken a negative test and we both felt relief. Then I took another test, and it was positive, leaving us both pretty shocked. I swear, he didn’t blink for two days. Although we were financially stable and home owners, we were enjoying being carefree, and neither of us was ready to give that up. Now that our son is 9 months old, my husband is incredibly loving and attentive. The moment they met, my husband fell in love. It took me a bit longer to bond, but he was the one telling me how amazing our baby is.
@Vale
Thanks for sharing! Also, congratulations on being financially secure and owning a home at 29. I bet you don’t live in Sydney, right? If you do, that’s even more impressive!
Addison said: @Vale
Thanks for sharing! Also, congratulations on being financially secure and owning a home at 29. I bet you don’t live in Sydney, right? If you do, that’s even more impressive!
Haha, thanks! We got lucky with the house and things were actually much cheaper here in the US about five years ago.
I know my dad never wanted kids because of how he was raised. Yet here I am along with my two brothers, and he turned out to be the most present, loving, patient father we could ask for.
My husband always said he didn’t want kids, which I had come to accept.
The week before our positive test was his birthday. Leading up to this, he repeatedly mentioned multiple times that he didn’t want kids. Once I missed my period, I knew it was a possibility. I waited until Friday night to tell him—figured he’d need time to process before work.
When I finally told him it was positive, he broke into the biggest smile. It wasn’t an easy acceptance; after the initial shock started to fade, we were in this ‘what if’ phase for a while.
Now, he’s been the best and most supportive husband throughout the pregnancy and has already begun bonding with our baby.
My brother faced something similar—he didn’t want kids, but his partner, in her late 30s, said it was a deal breaker for her. Instead of breaking up, he agreed to try. They conceived almost immediately on the first try. To be honest, he struggled for the first 18 months, battling depression, and their relationship was rocky. But he came through and now loves being a dad to his 4-year-old, and their relationship is strong again. I’m so glad it worked out for them!
I’m not a dad, but forcing your partner to have a child isn’t a good idea. You should want to have a child with someone who is excited about it too.
Children aren’t easy to raise. Even an easy-going child can test your relationship. Starting from such a shaky place with ultimatums isn’t advisable.
Would you want to be pressured into parenthood before you were ready? I wouldn’t.
Honestly, if your feelings about this are at odds, maybe it’s best to part ways. You can pursue parenthood on your own if that’s truly what you want, since he’s shown he doesn’t want to be a father.
@GraceWenger
It seems you’re facing downvotes, but I fully agree. It could have been fine if she didn’t issue an ultimatum about having kids managing expectations better would have been wise.
It’s manipulative, and no one here is likely to acknowledge that. We’re only hearing positive responses.
@Gale
It’s not manipulation—she’s simply stating her desire for kids, and if he doesn’t want that, they should separate, which might be best if he chooses not to have them. She’s almost 40, so time is of the essence.
GraceWenger said: @Rain
I worry he will resent her. He’s only agreeing because he wants to keep the relationship, not because he truly desires children.
What was she meant to do? Give up on her dream of having kids and risk resentment in the future? OP is doing the right thing; he made an informed choice knowing the options.
@Gale
I didn’t force him into anything. I communicated that if he didn’t want to start trying, we should end things, as that was something I want in my life. What were my other options? It’s unfair to label me as manipulative. My concern for his well-being brought me here for advice. I’m not saying ‘if you don’t get me pregnant, you lose the love of your life.’ For all we know, I might not get pregnant due to my age. If that’s the case, I’ll still be with him because I love him. Your interpretation of my original post is missing the mark.
@Addison
If you’re seeking advice about his well-being, it’s clear you know that this decision may affect him negatively. You’re hoping he’ll change his mind and come to love being a dad, but it’s more likely he’ll enjoy it if he wanted it from the start. The friction over the past 6 months is a clear sign he might not want this, at least not yet. That’s a long time to disagree on something.