I feel so terrible. I’m a first-time mom and still learning how to navigate this journey. Today, I was out with my 3-month-old, and she started crying uncontrollably while I was driving. Something in me snapped, and I ended up yelling at her. 
I feel so guilty. 
We just got home, and I haven’t even brought the groceries in because she’s still not calming down. 
How can I calm myself in situations like this? Please help me.
Be kind to yourself. You’re exhausted, and this is all very new.
I’m a stay-at-home dad with an 8-month-old. It can be incredibly tough, and I’m not even recovering from a pregnancy. When I get really frustrated, I try to repeat mantras in my head:
- “I’m the adult, she’s the child.”
- “We’re learning this together.”
- “This is harder on her than it is on me.”
Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you need to, put your baby down in a safe place, take a few deep breaths, collect yourself, drink some water, and then tend to your baby when you’re feeling a bit calmer. You’ve got this.
Great mantras! I’d like to add one more: “She isn’t giving me a hard time, she’s HAVING a hard time.” That one really helped me keep it together sometimes.
This one has truly helped me through tough moments!
Take a deep breath. You’re not a terrible mom. It’s incredibly overwhelming when your baby is screaming while you’re driving. I’ve been there, and I totally understand. My baby is 3 months old too. I remind myself that she’s just a tiny human with all the same feelings and emotions that I have, but without the words to express them, she only yells, cries, and screams. If all her physical needs are met (she’s fed, has a clean diaper, is burped, etc.), it’s okay to set her down in a safe place and take a moment to collect yourself. It’s hard to do this in the car, so I often end up pulling over and sitting in the backseat to nurse her for a few minutes. Just know you’re not alone, and this is really tough. In those moments, try to take a deep breath first.
I work with a diverse group of children and their parents, many of whom face significant challenges. The fact that you recognize screaming at a baby is not the right approach shows that you are not a bad mom. I assure you of that.
You aren’t a terrible mom! We all have moments when we’ve made mistakes. My little one is 7 months old, and I’ve definitely had moments I’m not proud of, but there are so many more moments that I am proud of! Give yourself grace and remember that the times you’ve shown up well far outnumber the mistakes.
I’m learning how to apologize to my daughter. My therapist gave me some great words: “Sweet girl, Mama is so sorry that I used a mean tone. I was frustrated and overwhelmed, and I am sorry that I didn’t take a break. Mama is learning with you. This is all new to me too. Will you forgive me for my tone?”
You’re not an awful mom. We’ve all gotten flustered and said things we didn’t mean or acted out of character.
One of my favorite reminders when feeling overwhelmed is: “They’re not trying to give you a hard time, they are HAVING a hard time.” It helps me remember that she isn’t causing frustration on purpose; she’s just trying to be heard.
Give yourself a break
My kids hated being in the car, but as they grew older, they got used to it and cried less and less.
My baby cried like this on an hour-long drive. I pulled over to soothe him, but when we tried again, he screamed even louder. I ended up pulling over and crying hard myself. I felt so helpless for my poor baby who just needed comfort. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed. We all have moments we wish we could take back, but what matters is how we move forward.
Yelling isn’t going to solve the problem; it might make it even scarier for her. Obviously, you know this now. Try to get ahead of the situation next time by being prepared with your “toolbox.” Singing, toys, or even YouTube videos like Ms. Rachel can help. I’m personally against screens before age 2, but if it helps in situations like this, I’m all for it! Sometimes just hearing the video makes my baby happy, so I often start playing it in the car before he gets upset, and the drive goes much smoother.
When your baby is crying and you feel triggered, try to pull over safely if you can. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and remind yourself that your baby’s cries are her way of communicating, not something you need to fix instantly. When you feel overwhelmed, try humming, singing softly, or gently talking to your baby and yourself. This can help calm both of you.
I’m also a first-time mom with a 4.5-month-old. There have been a few times when he got so inconsolable that I was on the verge of losing it. My go-to solution in these moments is to reset us both by stripping him down and wrapping him in a soft towel or blanket for some skin-to-skin contact. Sometimes, standing in front of an open door or window to get some cool, fresh air on us both really helps.
It’s so overwhelming!
What works for me is talking to him. I say things like, “It’s hard being a baby,” “Poor baby, I know you don’t like to be strapped in,” “We’re almost there!” “I’m sorry, mom will be done cooking soon and then we can play!” “Those are some big cries! You’ll be okay, just wait it out a bit more and I’ll be there,” etc. I do it all in a very cheerful voice.
I think it helps him to know I’m still there, and it helps keep me from spiraling into frustration.
Also, when I’m driving, he seems to like very upbeat or bass-heavy music. Not sure if this just helps keep him distracted.