Background: My daughter is 4 months old. It took my wife and me (same-sex couple) 2 years to conceive her via reciprocal IVF. We had multiple pregnancy losses during that time. I had a traumatic birth experience that I’m still processing.
I love my daughter with all my heart and would not trade her for ANYTHING, but I feel like I was not meant to be a mother. My anxiety is so bad that I feel like I’m making the wrong choices all the time—like whether to send her to daycare or stay home with her. Am I spending enough time helping her with her skills? I am so scared that I’m going to ruin her life by being a person who can’t even take care of my own mental health.
I KNOW the problem is me, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m in therapy, and I take meds.
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else here has felt similar and can tell me it gets better. Maybe eventually the imposter syndrome goes away.
“I am so scared that I’m going to ruin her life by being a shit person who can’t even take care of my own mental health.” I’m 6 weeks postpartum and I’m having a difficult time. I’m a mess, and I often feel bad for bringing her into the world as her mother. I’m also in treatment and have recently started taking medications; I hope things improve for both of us.
I was on medications throughout my pregnancy and even before that. Continued, and I felt pretty similar to you. I knew something wasn’t right. My dosage was increased, and there was finally some light at the end of the tunnel. I finally experienced the elation that everyone associates with having a baby. I just hadn’t been able to go there since my anxiousness was so high. Sometimes our brains are our worst adversary.
Yeah, I’m 7 months postpartum after many pregnancy losses, a terrible birth, and a lengthy NICU stay. I’m here to advise that it gets better over time, especially if you get more sleep. More sleep, more water, more protein; repeat.
Unfortunately, even with increased medication, weekly therapy, support groups, and so on, the undercurrent of anxiety remains just below the surface for me.
It does get better with time! It did for me. My story is pretty similar, reciprocal IVF and all. I was already an anxious person, and having my baby really ramped up my anxiety, but it got better with time.
I had postpartum anxiety with my second too, but it manifested differently. I didn’t want to leave the house and was constantly worried she was sick, but that also improved with time.
It’s great that you’re seeing a therapist and taking meds. You’re not a bad mom, and you won’t ruin her life, that’s the anxiety talking.
It does get better. I’m still an anxious person; that’s my default state, but it doesn’t rule me. As your kiddo grows and you get more sleep, and your hormones balance out, you’ll start to feel more like yourself.
This is a whole new life. You have to meet yourself as a mom, get to know your little person, and adjust to taking care of them. You’re also meeting your wife as a co-parent. Meanwhile, you’re healing, sleep-deprived, and your hormones are everywhere. It’s a lot. Give yourself grace. You’re doing great.
I felt the same way earlier this week, and a friend said something to me that remained with me and helped me put things in perspective. He remarked that if I were a bad mother, I wouldn’t worry or care as much about it. While worry is undesirable and should be addressed, the fact that I am concerned about my baby’s development and health already qualifies me as a good mother. You’re doing better than you think, and I hope we all get past this stage of imposter syndrome soon and can actually enjoy parenthood guilt and anxiety-free!
You’re doing great, mama. You’re taking all the right steps with therapy and meds, and your sweet girl loves you so much! Healing from a traumatic birth experience is a process. It’s incredibly hard.
I can relate. I felt extreme guilt after my son’s traumatic birth, worried he could have died or been severely injured. Those feelings seeped into everything I did for months. I felt like I had failed to protect him. The anxiety was intense, especially when I went back to work and couldn’t be with him 24/7.
But it does get better, day by day. There are still tough moments, but hang in there. You’re not alone .
It sounds like you’re having trouble with PPA. Please with your doctor, and continue with your therapy and medications. I haven’t had any issues with PPA, but I’ve heard it gets better. It takes time, though. Understand that many new moms battle with PPA or PPD. Check to see if your community offers a support group for people going through similar experiences as you. Good luck!
Things get better. I understand how bad things are right now, but just keep in mind that they are only temporary. You made no mistakes and are not a horrible parent. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself time to heal physically and mentally.
Four months was when I reached my breaking point. I was at my lowest point around then, but things improved, I believe in part because I returned to work. Not because work was less stressful, but because we hired a nanny who was more knowledgeable about child care than I was. Get help if you can; even starting daycare early can be beneficial. My son is almost two years old now, and I feel a lot less anxious. While I honestly did not believe I could do it again, we have another one on the way. Continue to be patient! Sending love and comradery
She started childcare last month; we are considering keeping her at home instead, in part because I have been suffering since returning to work. Being apart from her is really difficult for me emotionally, which I am aware is a problem that I must address.
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