My son is 4 and a half months old, and he is becoming quite a smiley guy. He smiles for pretty much everyone except for his mother.
I can tell it’s really starting to bother her; she brings it up pretty much every time he smiles for me in front of her. Something to the effect of “of course Dad gets big smiles.”
It breaks my heart seeing his Mom, who has done so much and sacrificed so much to bring our miracle baby into this world after 5 years of trying.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Every time he smiles for me, you can tell her disdain is just growing and festering.
Did anyone else go through this?
Do I just take a step back and just be an old-school provider Dad and not be so hands-on anymore?
Hey, I’m happy to commiserate and say it happened to us also.
What you’re experiencing is actually a common phase of infant development and relates to what developmental psychologists call “psychological fusion” or “symbiotic phase” in early infant development.
At around 4-5 months, babies are just beginning to understand that their mother is a separate person from themselves. Before this, they’ve experienced mom as an extension of their own being—almost like they’re still one unit, continuing from their time in the womb. They don’t smile at mom as much during this phase precisely because she’s so fundamental to their existence—it would be like smiling at your own arm or leg.
Other people, including dad, are clearly ‘other’ from the start, so babies interact with them differently. Those smiles to others are their early social interactions, while the relationship with mom is much more complex and primal.
This phase is temporary and actually signals healthy development. In the coming months, as your baby develops a clearer sense of self, you’ll likely see those big smiles directed at mom too. It’s not a reflection of preference or love—quite the opposite. It’s because mom is so essential to your baby’s sense of self and security that they interact with her differently right now.
Many mothers go through this phase feeling exactly what she’s feeling, but understanding the developmental reason behind it can help make it less painful. Your baby is deeply attached to her—so deeply that they haven’t yet fully realized she’s a separate person to smile at!
Both of us were home together for the first 3 months, so we had it doubly bad. Seriously thought there was something wrong. But we’re now at 8 months, and he’s the smiliest character you’ll have ever met—his face just lights up a room and melts our hearts. The wait, while confusing, was absolutely worth it.
@Micah
Thank you for explaining this so clearly and completely. I’d read about it before but only in sort of vague terms that felt more like a nice thing people say than a legitimate part of development noted by experts. It makes a lot more sense now. My 6-month-old smiles at me all the time now that she knows I’m a whole other person .
At around 4-5 months, babies are just beginning to understand that their mother is a separate person from themselves. Before this, they’ve experienced mom as an extension of their own being—almost like they’re still one unit, continuing from their time in the womb. They don’t smile at mom as much during this phase precisely because she’s so fundamental to their existence—it would be like smiling at your own arm or leg.
This is feel-good psychology bullshit. It’s completely wrong. Babies don’t understand PEOPLE as separate entities. They don’t understand what a person is, what they are, or how they relate to other things in the world. They certainly do not think they are part of Mommy— that’s a much more complex thought than they are capable of at that time.
@Asa
Your critique actually misunderstands both developmental psychology and infant cognition. While it’s true that babies don’t have complex conceptual understanding of “personhood,” they do experience fundamental psychological processes described by attachment theory and developmental neuroscience.
The concept isn’t about babies “thinking” in an adult, linguistic sense, but about neurological and emotional attachment processes. Jean Piaget’s work on cognitive development, specifically his sensorimotor stage theory (0-2 years), demonstrates that infants are experiencing the world through a process called “differentiation” - gradually distinguishing self from non-self through direct sensory and motor interactions.
Mahler’s separation-individuation theory specifically describes how infants gradually differentiate themselves from their primary caregiver. At 4-5 months, babies are in the “differentiation” sub-phase—a critical period where they begin to recognize boundaries between self and other, experiencing the first rudimentary sense of individual existence while remaining deeply emotionally connected to their primary caregiver.
At 4-5 months, babies are experiencing:
Emerging object permanence
Preliminary self-awareness
Neurological mapping of sensory experiences
Primarily emotional, pre-linguistic understanding of relationships.
Bowlby’s attachment theory demonstrates that infants don’t “understand” separation conceptually, but experience it neurologically. The lack of smiling isn’t emotional rejection but a complex attachment process.
The “extension of self” isn’t a conscious thought but a neurological and emotional state. It’s a physiological reality rooted in early attachment processes, where the primary caregiver (typically mom) is experienced as a critical part of the infant’s survival and sensory world.
Allan Schore’s neuroscience research shows how right-brain emotional regulation develops through early maternal interactions. The seemingly paradoxical “not smiling at mom” is actually a nuanced developmental signal of deep neurological attunement.
These aren’t feel-good platitudes but decades of rigorous developmental psychology research mapping infant cognitive and emotional development.
The key is understanding that “understanding” for an infant isn’t an intellectual process but a dynamic, evolving neurological and emotional experience of gradually mapping relationships and self-perception through visceral, pre-cognitive sensory interactions.
@Micah
At least you aren’t quoting Freud. There is some real research backing this field, but quite a lot IS feel-good platitudes layered on top of flimsy and non-reproducible studies. I made no comment regarding babies not smiling at their mothers.
where the primary caregiver (typically mom) is experienced as a critical part of the infant’s survival and sensory world
This is a totally different take than the commonly shared reddit wisdom that “the baby doesn’t even realize it’s not part of mommy anymore!”
I think trying to be the “voice of reason” is a good approach. Talk her down off the ledge, so to speak. He is a four-month-old; he doesn’t do anything on purpose yet. Try to remind her where he is at developmentally. He isn’t doing anything to spite her. When babies are older, they go through phases where they prefer one parent over the other, then it flips again. I can see that with my one-year-old. Sometimes she prefers getting cuddles from dad, then from mom again. It’s nothing personal, and we should remind ourselves of that and not get all up in our feelings about these things. Also, please keep on being a hands-on dad. It’s great for you and for your kid.
Me I went through it, and I still am. This is relatively normal for babies to smile at literally everyone else except mom. Mom is a part of them, so they just don’t smile for us as much or at all.
I tried very hard not to let this build resentment, and what helped is my husband encouraging other things. Our son would get sick and cry, and I would take him, and he would stop, so my husband would say something like, oh he just wants mom, mom’s his favorite now. Stuff like that. I knew what he was doing, but it helped. You should not pull back, though. I will tell you, even when I hated that dad got the giggles and seemed to be my son’s favorite, that was also the best to watch. I love seeing them play together, and it’s so helpful if I can’t get my son to be happy; his dad can. I can leave them alone and not worry about anything. Dads play an important role in development, so don’t take that away from your baby.
Dude, this was me. It was so depressing, lol, especially because I was trying so hard to breastfeed and pump, and I literally felt like he didn’t like me. He randomly started doing it at 6 months.
Babies imitate everything. Is she smiling and being silly at him?
We had a similar problem with my husband at the beginning because he was a bit shy and kind of embarrassed to do silly things (big smiles, different voices, small dances, etc.), and our son was looking at him with a poker face as if he knew my husband was trying too hard and it just wasn’t working.
The more he let himself go, the more our baby laughed with him. Not sure if this is advice that works for you; maybe she has already tried this, but this is what worked for us.
I went through this too, but she now gives me big smiles. My PPD/PPA had me thinking she didn’t like me, but that’s not true. She still only laughs at her dad. She’ll literally stop as soon as she knows I’m in the room .
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I went through it, and I still am. This is relatively normal for babies to smile at literally everyone else except mom. Mom is a part of them, so they just don’t smile for us as much or at all.
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