For context, my little guy is 10 weeks old. He is an amazing baby. He started sleeping 5 hours through the night at week five, and now sleeps 8, feeds, then back to bed for another few. He has always been so curious and observant. He’s so smiley and loves being talked to and playing with his kick and play piano. He’s reflux as well, so being held can become uncomfortable unless he is upright on our chest or shoulder looking around.
Everyone is so quick to tell us what a good baby we have, how lucky we are, and how alert he is. When I have tried to talk about how I’m worried he is a little too independent or that we aren’t bonded enough, it’s dismissed immediately.
I know every baby is different, but we both can’t help but feel that we messed up somewhere. Not enough skin to skin, not enough contact naps, too much time in a rocker, etc. He likes a good contact nap 1-2 times a day and will soothe when picked up or held. If he’s drowsy, he goes in the rocker or bassinet for a quick nap.
He’s been bottle-fed since birth, only latching a few times, and exclusively formula after one month, so I feel like I’ve missed out on that bond as well.
Family is not helping. Sister-in-law has offered her own breast milk and expressed how much they need it and how we NEED to let family hold him regardless of his fussiness because he “needs the cuddles.” We’ve explained that when he’s had enough, he usually is more than happy to sit in the rocker and play with the piano, or sensory cards. He isn’t often content sitting on someone’s lap unless he’s tired. He wants to look around or be walked around. Others have said that we should be grateful he gives us so much time.
It’s been hard comparing my LO to others I see and hearing how they are Velcro babies or need to be held. It scares me to think that maybe he doesn’t need that.
Has anyone had a similar experience with independent infants? Do they grow out of it and eventually need more? Will he rely on us more when teething or other milestones start? I’m so worried he isn’t getting what he needs this young, or that as first-time parents we are missing out on big things.
It sounds like you have a super happy and well-adjusted baby. Sooner or later we will all have to accept we brought a human into this world, not a baby. It’s who he is! Celebrate him and enjoy what you have together, maybe it’s just what he needs .
This is just like my girl, who is currently napping on me in the ring sling, which is exactly one of two things that will help her sleep. You said he still enjoys a contact nap and soothes when held, so you’re definitely bonded. Also idk what your SIL is on about that breast milk in a bottle is somehow more “bonding” than formula in a bottle? We couldn’t breastfeed and I also worried about bonding, but she smiles so big and kicks her feet in excitement when she sees me. It’s really hard to not be breastfeeding in this culture, but you are doing great and your baby loves you. The FormulaFeeders sub on here is great if you need more reassurance about using formula and bottles over breastfeeding.
@Dustin
Bottle-fed babies can be just as bonded to caregivers as exclusively nursed babies. The only thing you’re missing out on is having to deprive yourself of wine and getting (possibly) less sleep because no one can help you.
No one goes to therapy for being fed formula or breast milk.
This sounds just like my 10-week-old. She lets us know when she wants to be held or will cry until we put her in her rocker. She’s such a cuddler when she wants to be, so I know not breastfeeding didn’t ruin our bond. I think some people’s opinions just need to stop being forced; there are plenty of ways to bond with your child other than that. Honestly, my girl taking bottles has allowed dad to feed her and bond with her as well. Your baby is well fed, seems very happy, hitting milestones, and that’s all that matters.
You aren’t doing anything wrong - babies are different from each other. As long as the kid is happy & growing properly, it’s all good. And SIL can fuck off (but I guess maybe you should be slightly more polite than that).
This is just like my 10-week-old He just fell asleep on me yesterday for the first time since his tiny newborn days! I sat there and soaked it up because I was just in shock! He is NOT a contact napper and I exclusively pump, so it’s not like he’s latched to me all the time. We don’t co-sleep because it’s unsafe, but he wouldn’t even want to if I tried tbh. All I see is everyone saying the opposite about their baby. Thank you for this post.
This is exactly what I hope my little girl becomes because we probably won’t have a second. IMHO, ultimately, a parent should be helping their child to become a functional and independent adult. Sounds like you’ve got a leg up on that!
My girl is 6 weeks, and I am breastfeeding exclusively. Maybe one or two bottles of pumped milk per day. For me, there is not a ton of bonding that happens because she relies on me for food, just added stress. And pain. I do enjoy the extra meal and snacks, though .
As I understand, you may have a little more trouble when they go to daycare and start getting sick since they’re not getting antibodies from you, but EBF babies get sick too, so what does it matter? As long as he’s growing and happy (sounds like he’s VERY happy), don’t let anyone taint your experience. Just cherish the moments when picking him up is soothing for him. Or when you smile and he smiles back, or you giggle and he giggles back.
No you didn’t mess up. My baby girl barely took any contact naps. She is 9 months and I can’t even remember the last time she slept on me honestly. She has been sleeping in her bassinet and then crib since very early on. She also hated baby-wearing and breastfeeding. She is actually more cuddly now at 9 months than she was as a newborn. Now, during the day she will be playing and then randomly wants to lean back on me and suck her thumb for a few seconds and cuddle. It only lasts 30 seconds and then she is back playing again. She also just recently started crying when I leave the room, which is actually normal for 9 months that they develop separation anxiety. Before this, she would literally wiggle down away from me to play and did not care if I was even in the room.
Fed is best. Whether it’s formula or BM. I didn’t breastfeed at all and my baby is very close to me and always has been, and even at almost 1 prefers contact naps. BF or not doesn’t take away from bonding; there are many ways to bond.
I think you’re just lucky to have a good baby, and some babies just aren’t as needy or clingy. It’s not a bad thing. You didn’t do anything wrong. Show love, cuddle, and just give baby lots of love and they’re fine.
He sounds totally fine. My oldest was even more independent (no contact naps) and wasn’t smiley either. Didn’t care if I left her ever. But things did change, and she cried over me leaving her for the first time ever at age 5. Every baby is different!
It’s funny how everyone has a different reaction/perspective to things.
Our baby has always been easygoing and very independent, I would say even more so than your little one, and we were like “Hell yeah!”.
I’ve always known I wanted to instill being independent from an early age, just didn’t know it would be this early. We feel very lucky, and we are leaning into it and letting him be his own person.
We give him all the kisses and love in the world too, and he reciprocates it back with laughing, smiling, and rocking.
You are doing great; your baby will always need you, and as long as you keep showing them your love, they will give it right back.
Every kid is different, and this is totally normal. It’s funny how as parents we can’t help but worry, even if things are going well, which is normal, so don’t beat yourself up.
I will say I noticed a huge difference in sleep patterns around the 3-4 month mark. Looking back, our baby was a great baby but sort of became more alert around that time and much more needy.
I have had the exact same experience! Same comments and same worries!! Mine is only 7.5 months now, but I can see the bond and ‘wanting mom’ growing and starting to come out more. He still just always wants to be exploring and I think he’s what is called a sensory seeker, but it’s not a bad thing. I know it can feel like you want that. But that early, the SA not being there is okay! In fact, most babies don’t develop separation anxiety until 8-9 months. Anyway, I think it’ll come haha.
Just kidding, sounds like you are reading babies’ cues well and responding how baby likes, working toward a secure attachment style. Keep up the good work, you’re nailing it.
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He just fell asleep on me yesterday for the first time since his tiny newborn days! I sat there and soaked it up because I was just in shock! He is NOT a contact napper and I exclusively pump, so it’s not like he’s latched to me all the time. We don’t co-sleep because it’s unsafe, but he wouldn’t even want to if I tried tbh. All I see is everyone saying the opposite about their baby. Thank you for this post.
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